Evil Doug (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} evildoug) wrote,@ 2004-05-18 22:12:00 |
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Finer points of debate, by Evil Doug
I've been thinking about the proper way one should rant publicly. I've come to the following conclusions:
1. Use archaic and lengthy words, often in conjunction...Like this:
"Your juxtaposed glammer had no effect on me, sire."
"The use of pseudephedrine by alchemists warrants further dialogue, my prince."
2. You can never go wrong by calling someone a poop head. This follows well with corolary 1. Example:
"I have great trepidation in trusting a knave such as you...poop head."
"I feel encumbered by a poop head such as yourself...ye varlet..."
3. When logic fails...resort to crude limericks... combine this with the first two corolaries...thusly...
There once was a fellow named YOU!
Whose head was made all out of poo!
Ye said not to touch it,
'Cause people would flush it,
And the cat wants to bury it, too!
4. Non-connected points of logic. This works in politics frequently. If someone has the case pretty much won, blame them for something that cannot be argued against. Example:
"You spent too much money on your cell phone bill!"
"Yes, but cigarettes are bad for you."
"Well...yeah, so?"
"I think I've proven MY point...you MONSTER!"
5. Finish the opponents sentences with lines from hip-hop songs...Example:
"Bill. This is serious."
"We could make you delirious."
"What?"
"You should have a healthy fear of us, 'cause too much of us is DANGEROUS, WE SO DANGEROUS!"
"Listen, Bill there's so much..."
"..drama in the LBC it's kinda hard bein' Snoop D-o- double G but, I somehow someway...
"I think you misplaced that comma..."
"Oh...right...hold on...'but I, somehow some way...'...better?"
6. The 'neener neener' approach. When you're opponent recognizes his own flawed logic, give it the coup de grace with a good 'neener neener!' Example:
"I seem to have misquoted that statistic...what I meant was..."
"NEENER NEENER!"
7. Mutter and mumble. This is prevalent in British cinema. Not that it will help your debate...but it will give it that air of class...make you seem more like Mr. Darcy, or Mark Darcy...or someone else Colin Firth has played that isn't named Darcy.
8. Open each sentence with, "Well, isn't it obvious!" and close it with "inscrutable twit!" Example:
"Well, isn't it obvious! This was all in infrared, you inscrutable twit!"
"Well, isn't it obvious! I should like to adjourn for some coffee, you inscrutable twit!"
"Well, isn't it obvious! Of course I grieve for you loss, you inscrutable twit!"
9. The fundamental power of shuffling papers. If the debate isn't going your way, shuffle your papers... This adds an air of credibility even when you're about to lie like mad...it works for TV News anchors... Example:
"Well, you have me on several points there..." (shuffle shuffle shuffle)
10. The "INCOMING" Innitiative. When all seems lost, cover your head, hit the dirt, and cry "INCOMING!" Example:
"I think I've proven my..."
"INCOMING!"
Thank you for attending this lecture. Hope to see you again sometime!
I've been thinking about the proper way one should rant publicly. I've come to the following conclusions:
1. Use archaic and lengthy words, often in conjunction...Like this:
"Your juxtaposed glammer had no effect on me, sire."
"The use of pseudephedrine by alchemists warrants further dialogue, my prince."
2. You can never go wrong by calling someone a poop head. This follows well with corolary 1. Example:
"I have great trepidation in trusting a knave such as you...poop head."
"I feel encumbered by a poop head such as yourself...ye varlet..."
3. When logic fails...resort to crude limericks... combine this with the first two corolaries...thusly...
There once was a fellow named YOU!
Whose head was made all out of poo!
Ye said not to touch it,
'Cause people would flush it,
And the cat wants to bury it, too!
4. Non-connected points of logic. This works in politics frequently. If someone has the case pretty much won, blame them for something that cannot be argued against. Example:
"You spent too much money on your cell phone bill!"
"Yes, but cigarettes are bad for you."
"Well...yeah, so?"
"I think I've proven MY point...you MONSTER!"
5. Finish the opponents sentences with lines from hip-hop songs...Example:
"Bill. This is serious."
"We could make you delirious."
"What?"
"You should have a healthy fear of us, 'cause too much of us is DANGEROUS, WE SO DANGEROUS!"
"Listen, Bill there's so much..."
"..drama in the LBC it's kinda hard bein' Snoop D-o- double G but, I somehow someway...
"I think you misplaced that comma..."
"Oh...right...hold on...'but I, somehow some way...'...better?"
6. The 'neener neener' approach. When you're opponent recognizes his own flawed logic, give it the coup de grace with a good 'neener neener!' Example:
"I seem to have misquoted that statistic...what I meant was..."
"NEENER NEENER!"
7. Mutter and mumble. This is prevalent in British cinema. Not that it will help your debate...but it will give it that air of class...make you seem more like Mr. Darcy, or Mark Darcy...or someone else Colin Firth has played that isn't named Darcy.
8. Open each sentence with, "Well, isn't it obvious!" and close it with "inscrutable twit!" Example:
"Well, isn't it obvious! This was all in infrared, you inscrutable twit!"
"Well, isn't it obvious! I should like to adjourn for some coffee, you inscrutable twit!"
"Well, isn't it obvious! Of course I grieve for you loss, you inscrutable twit!"
9. The fundamental power of shuffling papers. If the debate isn't going your way, shuffle your papers... This adds an air of credibility even when you're about to lie like mad...it works for TV News anchors... Example:
"Well, you have me on several points there..." (shuffle shuffle shuffle)
10. The "INCOMING" Innitiative. When all seems lost, cover your head, hit the dirt, and cry "INCOMING!" Example:
"I think I've proven my..."
"INCOMING!"
Thank you for attending this lecture. Hope to see you again sometime!
