Evil Doug (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} evildoug) wrote,@ 2004-04-17 23:39:00 |
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Vote for Evil Doug
Doug gets political? You bet!
VOTE FOR ME!
The way I see it, Bush is being attacked on all fronts, so all I have to do is beat out John Kerry. That's pretty easy goin' I'd think. You might say, "Hey, don't you have to be 35 to win the presidency?" To that I say, "Shhhhhh!" Nobody except history teachers read the constitution. And, if I promise good old-fashioned pay raises to American educators...who's gonna say anything. That little 35 year old thing will just be swept under the rug for the time being...I mean, people think phrases like "separation of church and state" and "life liberty and pursuit of happiness" are in there...so why can't we just, oh, forget about requirements and just vote for ME?! It'll be fun, kinda like pretending the second amendment doesn't exist.
So, where do I stand on the issues...let me see...
First, I don't like you. Any of you. In fact, there are very few people I like...and that's mostly because they're old...and a little senile...and as a result give me free candy whenever I visit. If you don't give me free candy, you suck. Yes, you. And, by virtue of your suckiness, you will be relegated to tier three of my pyramid of power dynamic as outlin ed below:
Tier One: Evil Doug
As supreme ruler of America, I shall then move on to conquer earth as I am the only person fit to rule it. I am the only person in this tier because nobody else is worthy to be associated with me.
Tier Two: People who don't suck
This tier is reserved mostly for people who have given, currently give, or will give candy to me. I like candy, so these people are pretty cool. This is pretty much the only way I can differentiate between you people because all humans are beneath my serious scrutiny.
Tier Three: The thralls
This is where most of you will fit in. As stated before, I don't like you. While this may result from your not giving me candy, it may be just my whim. Rest assured that my whim is not something I take lightly. Your lifelong servitude to me will be worthwhile because you're MY thralls and not somebody else's. This is because, at this stage, both technically and figuratively, I rule.
Second, I must point out my plan for economic growth. This will be accomplished by replacing everyone with a more efficient robot replacement. Now now, before you get all scared, this will take many years...so you yourself won't be killed off and replaced with a robot...probably your grandchildren, but not you. This will provide you with the grim satisfaction of knowing that the grandkids won't have a higher standard of living than you do...dang whippersnappers.
Third, I should discuss my plan for galactic expansion. After you are all dead/replaced by robots, I will begin expanding earth influence into space. This will take hundreds of years, but, as I am immortal, I don't see the downside. I shall start with this galaxy, then move on to conquer the rest of the universe. Barring the expansion theory of the cosmos, I can theoretically pull this off...eventually.
Fourth. After having control of all of space, I must turn my attention towards time. At this juncture in my reign/term, I shall have my robots (which you may be proud to refer to as your grandchildren, as they did replace them) construct a time machine with which I shall go back and alter things in the past because it either:
A) serves my greater purposes
or
B) would be too darn funny altered to leave it alone.
Such instances would be the sinking of Florida during the recount in the last presidential campaign. The laughs to be had if the votes couldn't be tabulated and NOBODY won the presidency. Or, making Brutus' parents name him Flumbo, so that, Caesar's last words would be "et tu Flumbo!" which, to me, is kinda funny.
Fifth...well, you get the idea. I offer far better benefits than the other guys, who, I might add, are really undead ghouls who want to win the presidency as a means of eating your brains.
Well, now that I've got my platform out there, I need some sleazy tabloid rag to spread my propaganda, kinda like the NY Times does for the democrats. But, I'd rather put my ads in the Weekly World News with stories of Bat Boy and the lost Titanic newlyweds skeletons found in a lifepreserver...at least the Weekly World News has SOME credibility.
Anyway, vote for me. You just put me in on the write in ballot...sure there is...just write my name on the card and then slide it in the slot. That's a good boy. You may make it into tier 2 after all...
Doug gets political? You bet!
VOTE FOR ME!
The way I see it, Bush is being attacked on all fronts, so all I have to do is beat out John Kerry. That's pretty easy goin' I'd think. You might say, "Hey, don't you have to be 35 to win the presidency?" To that I say, "Shhhhhh!" Nobody except history teachers read the constitution. And, if I promise good old-fashioned pay raises to American educators...who's gonna say anything. That little 35 year old thing will just be swept under the rug for the time being...I mean, people think phrases like "separation of church and state" and "life liberty and pursuit of happiness" are in there...so why can't we just, oh, forget about requirements and just vote for ME?! It'll be fun, kinda like pretending the second amendment doesn't exist.
So, where do I stand on the issues...let me see...
First, I don't like you. Any of you. In fact, there are very few people I like...and that's mostly because they're old...and a little senile...and as a result give me free candy whenever I visit. If you don't give me free candy, you suck. Yes, you. And, by virtue of your suckiness, you will be relegated to tier three of my pyramid of power dynamic as outlin ed below:
Tier One: Evil Doug
As supreme ruler of America, I shall then move on to conquer earth as I am the only person fit to rule it. I am the only person in this tier because nobody else is worthy to be associated with me.
Tier Two: People who don't suck
This tier is reserved mostly for people who have given, currently give, or will give candy to me. I like candy, so these people are pretty cool. This is pretty much the only way I can differentiate between you people because all humans are beneath my serious scrutiny.
Tier Three: The thralls
This is where most of you will fit in. As stated before, I don't like you. While this may result from your not giving me candy, it may be just my whim. Rest assured that my whim is not something I take lightly. Your lifelong servitude to me will be worthwhile because you're MY thralls and not somebody else's. This is because, at this stage, both technically and figuratively, I rule.
Second, I must point out my plan for economic growth. This will be accomplished by replacing everyone with a more efficient robot replacement. Now now, before you get all scared, this will take many years...so you yourself won't be killed off and replaced with a robot...probably your grandchildren, but not you. This will provide you with the grim satisfaction of knowing that the grandkids won't have a higher standard of living than you do...dang whippersnappers.
Third, I should discuss my plan for galactic expansion. After you are all dead/replaced by robots, I will begin expanding earth influence into space. This will take hundreds of years, but, as I am immortal, I don't see the downside. I shall start with this galaxy, then move on to conquer the rest of the universe. Barring the expansion theory of the cosmos, I can theoretically pull this off...eventually.
Fourth. After having control of all of space, I must turn my attention towards time. At this juncture in my reign/term, I shall have my robots (which you may be proud to refer to as your grandchildren, as they did replace them) construct a time machine with which I shall go back and alter things in the past because it either:
A) serves my greater purposes
or
B) would be too darn funny altered to leave it alone.
Such instances would be the sinking of Florida during the recount in the last presidential campaign. The laughs to be had if the votes couldn't be tabulated and NOBODY won the presidency. Or, making Brutus' parents name him Flumbo, so that, Caesar's last words would be "et tu Flumbo!" which, to me, is kinda funny.
Fifth...well, you get the idea. I offer far better benefits than the other guys, who, I might add, are really undead ghouls who want to win the presidency as a means of eating your brains.
Well, now that I've got my platform out there, I need some sleazy tabloid rag to spread my propaganda, kinda like the NY Times does for the democrats. But, I'd rather put my ads in the Weekly World News with stories of Bat Boy and the lost Titanic newlyweds skeletons found in a lifepreserver...at least the Weekly World News has SOME credibility.
Anyway, vote for me. You just put me in on the write in ballot...sure there is...just write my name on the card and then slide it in the slot. That's a good boy. You may make it into tier 2 after all...
