Tuesday, May 18th, 2004

Time	Event
6:49p	Won't the real King Arthur please stand up...please stand up... ...during my foray into ancient Illium the other night, I noted a number of interesting trailers...Day After Tomorrow looks extraordinarily lame...good CGI, but, much like Twister, there's only so much you can do about a weather plot. Shrek 2...WOOHOO!...a couple of other idiotic entries (why won't they pay ME to write a movie, dagnabbit!) and then comes...King Arthur. A person on IMDB's message board asked the question that came to my mind. "Is this inspired by Stephen Lawhead's books?" Well, apparently not. It must be noted that, much of what Lawhead wrote, he researched from older records, so I guess he can't really sue them for the way they present the story. Except, maybe the whole Guinevere (or, Gwenhwyvar) as an Irish warrior maiden. I don't recall seeing that anywhere else. What gets me is this...many of the people weighing in on the debate are knocking Lawhead because his depiction of Arthur doesn't gel with how they view Arthur. You see, Malory and the rest of those most directly responsible for our modern impression of Arthur wrote him completely anachronistically. There was no courtly love motif around back in 5th and 6th century Wales. This was an invention of the middle ages...and they didn't wear all that shiny armor and what not...again...this was not the middle ages. Lawhead, for the most part, hits the nail on the head with his description of how Arthur SHOULD have been. How do I judge this? Arthur probably didn't exist, right? Yeah, supposedly. Alfred and other kings were supposedly amalgamated into a great king figure that became Arthur. I, therefore, judge by the earliest recorded stories of Arthur taken from the Mabinogian. Bedwyr, Cai, Bors, and the gang in their true, Celtic form! Closer, by far, to Norsemen and Spear-Danes than to Middle Ages knights...kinda like the way Lawhead treats them. Of course...Lawhead's works kinda fall apart in Arthur, only to be re-spun in Pendragon and Grail...he REALLY needs to rewrite this stuff...really...good work, just messed it up in that third book. Anywho...I think King Arthur will be a rental for me and mine. Hope they don't screw it up TOO badly...wait...Keira Knightly as a rough and tumble Irish warrior queen?...sigh...too late... Could be worse...the absolute WORST Arthurian movie I have seen was, without a shadow of a doubt, The Mists of Avalon. Production quality was astouding for a TV flick...good acting all around AND Loreena McKennit in the soundtrack. BUT...and this is a big BUT...the story was the most ridiculous, feminist manifesto I have seen since the Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman remake with Darryl Hannah (which I do love and own, BTW, because it is so blatantly feminist it's funny). However, Mists is just annoying...and offensive. I think they set out to make it so...here's how Marion Zimmer Bradley and the script writers decided on how to do this movie... "Oh, let's make Arthur, known to many as a Christian king, bow down and pray to the earth goddess!" "Good idea! And, let's have a REALLY passionate incest scene!" "OH, yes! And a three way between Guinevere, Lancelot, and Arthur!" "Oh, I love it! Girl POWER! Oh, and speaking of which, let's make Merlin just a lackey for Mor...uh, which was it...Morgain? Morgeuse? You know, one of the Mor- sisters..." "Yes! Make all the male characters CRAWL! "Think we've insulted enough people?" "Not quite...oh, I know, we'll end on a note that basically states that Catholicism is just a modern form of earth goddess worship!" "You tell it, sister!" Oh, well. At least nobody has really screwed up the mythos of Charlemagne yet...yet... Current Mood: Chanson de Roland Decisiveness - "I do not like this pagan. I think it best by far that we should go and kill him." Current Music: Loreena McKennit..."The Lady of Shalott"...yes, it's based on the poem. (Comment on this)
7:12p	WE SHALL LOOK BACK We shall look back in stark horror upon the doom that did befall us and our generation. We shall remember. He told us all. He warned us: "What ya gonna do, when Hulkamania runs wild on you?" Not a conditional phrase. No "if" here. Be not beguiled into thinking he meant this as a possiblity. His tact, his very demeanor convey this is prophetic; future; fact. Thus, I have spent years of my life studying, searching for the right means to deal with the forthcoming Hulkamania and our plight in the face of such power. But, to no avail. I question,yet none hold the key. Nor do any seem nigh. Alas, the board is set. Shadows descend. The sun grows dim. Hulk's ascension, and, lo, our fall from the heights. He warned us, you hear? Heaven help us, he warned us ALL! (Comment on this)
9:40p	Episode III...my way... Alright...here's MY take on how Episode 3 should go down. ...here's the scoop...Anakin wasn't a virgin birth...that was retarded. He was concieved by the Force...yeaaaaah, right. Okay, here's the way it SHOULD be... Anakin is actually the child of Dooku. Hear me out. This is why Shmee, or Smee, or whichever pirate the heck it was that was Annie's mom, made up the whole Force conception thing. This works beautifully from a standpoint of dramatic irony AND parallelism. You see... In Episode 3, Palpatine offers Anakin the chance to kill Dooku and take his father's place by his side. This would be a wicked foreshadowing of Jedi where Emperor Palpy does the same thing. The catch is...Annie AGREES! He sees Dooku as abandoning he and his mother, so he offs him without much hesitation. During the battle, during a FRENZY of light saber slashing, Anakin's light saber turns slowly, but unmistakeably RED. Dooku, who wanted his son to be free of Sith control, as he is unable to be (refer to many lines from Attack of the Clones where he tries to get Obi-Wan's allegience) is shocked and saddened by this...hesitates...he merely mutters "No..." and is immediately struck down by his son. SO, Palpy eliminates Dooku, who was unreliable, Anakin ascends to the head of the Sith, and we watch as he betrays the Jedi. OR, it could happen that Lucas is a moron. The ambiguous nature of Dooku in AotC was merely that, ambiguity, with neither intent nor direction...just crappy writing. He will feel led to stick with his idiotic idea from the books that Anakin was burned in a volcano while battling Obi-Wan simply because HE came up with the idea...fat oaf...and then he'll go on to make this movie SUCK beyond all measure more than did Matrix 3. (Now for the obligatory fan-boy rants. These fan-boy rants do not necessarily reflect the views of the Evil Doug. Thank you.) Gah! Lucas! That stupid, fat piece of wampa dung! If you're reading this, George, baby. Love ya! Let's do lunch!...ya fetid miscreant...you ought to be put in a maze and chased by love a starved wallaby until one, either you or the wallaby, gives up and says "Here, have yer way with me, ye wee bouncy beasty!" Love ya, George...mean it...you snot-trailing rancor booger bonanza...should be forced to attend a film appreciation course in a small community college and forced to write a major thesis to expound on why Pulp Fiction is good but Reservoir Dogs sucks...using only crude limericks! We LOVE you GEORGE...and the way you cut ALL character building plot points from Attack of the Clones because they intefered with the CGI...and hid them all somewhere on Disc 2...ya, generally speaking, inept writer of dialogue!...and poop head. Wookie poop head! Here's hoping that the third prequel won't suck TOO badly...cheers! (CGI Ewoks begin to mosh...mosh...mosh, I tell you...they shall mosh to OBLIVION, mwahahahahaha!) (Comment on this)
10:12p	Finer points of debate, by Evil Doug I've been thinking about the proper way one should rant publicly. I've come to the following conclusions: 1. Use archaic and lengthy words, often in conjunction...Like this: "Your juxtaposed glammer had no effect on me, sire." "The use of pseudephedrine by alchemists warrants further dialogue, my prince." 2. You can never go wrong by calling someone a poop head. This follows well with corolary 1. Example: "I have great trepidation in trusting a knave such as you...poop head." "I feel encumbered by a poop head such as yourself...ye varlet..." 3. When logic fails...resort to crude limericks... combine this with the first two corolaries...thusly... There once was a fellow named YOU! Whose head was made all out of poo! Ye said not to touch it, 'Cause people would flush it, And the cat wants to bury it, too! 4. Non-connected points of logic. This works in politics frequently. If someone has the case pretty much won, blame them for something that cannot be argued against. Example: "You spent too much money on your cell phone bill!" "Yes, but cigarettes are bad for you." "Well...yeah, so?" "I think I've proven MY point...you MONSTER!" 5. Finish the opponents sentences with lines from hip-hop songs...Example: "Bill. This is serious." "We could make you delirious." "What?" "You should have a healthy fear of us, 'cause too much of us is DANGEROUS, WE SO DANGEROUS!" "Listen, Bill there's so much..." "..drama in the LBC it's kinda hard bein' Snoop D-o- double G but, I somehow someway... "I think you misplaced that comma..." "Oh...right...hold on...'but I, somehow some way...'...better?" 6. The 'neener neener' approach. When you're opponent recognizes his own flawed logic, give it the coup de grace with a good 'neener neener!' Example: "I seem to have misquoted that statistic...what I meant was..." "NEENER NEENER!" 7. Mutter and mumble. This is prevalent in British cinema. Not that it will help your debate...but it will give it that air of class...make you seem more like Mr. Darcy, or Mark Darcy...or someone else Colin Firth has played that isn't named Darcy. 8. Open each sentence with, "Well, isn't it obvious!" and close it with "inscrutable twit!" Example: "Well, isn't it obvious! This was all in infrared, you inscrutable twit!" "Well, isn't it obvious! I should like to adjourn for some coffee, you inscrutable twit!" "Well, isn't it obvious! Of course I grieve for you loss, you inscrutable twit!" 9. The fundamental power of shuffling papers. If the debate isn't going your way, shuffle your papers... This adds an air of credibility even when you're about to lie like mad...it works for TV News anchors... Example: "Well, you have me on several points there..." (shuffle shuffle shuffle) 10. The "INCOMING" Innitiative. When all seems lost, cover your head, hit the dirt, and cry "INCOMING!" Example: "I think I've proven my..." "INCOMING!" Thank you for attending this lecture. Hope to see you again sometime! (1 Comment | Comment on this)

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