Evil Doug's Existential Journal

Evil Doug in Illium...
...using my patented Chrono-Vortex Time Displacer, I decided to head back to ancient Troy to see what REALLY happened before seeing the new film Troy...

...when I got there...it was kinda lame...

You had Spartans all over the place with little trinket stands selling "I looted Troy" t-shirts. You had guided tours running around..."Now this is where the first sortie began a number of years ago..." I could tell the lines had been fully entrenched for some time now and there was no movement...merely skirmishes in the no-man's-land.

So, being bored I went to have a chat with the man himself, Achilles. Surprisingly, he looked just like Joe Black...wiggy.

"Hey, ankle boy! What's up!?"
"I'm just over here having a Starbucks cappucino..."
"Those things are everywhere..." I muttered...
"You know, Achilles. I think you're pretty stupid. In fact, I think you're a stupid stupid fat head and you poop in your own armor."
"What?! Who told you these things!"
"Hector. The prince of Troy," I said mischeviously...

Just then, there was a loud booming voice that announced "TROJAN MAN!" and Hector exited the gates of Troy.
"Greetings, citizens!"
"Hector! You said I'm a fat stupid head and I poop my armor!" said an enraged Achilles.
"Well, there has been talk among the ranks..." said Hector quietly...
"You know what, when he dies...I don't think I really WANT his armor anymore..." said Ajax.
"That's it..." said Achilles who then rushed and killed Hector. However, he rushed in without having his Birkenstock high tops on, thus leaving his ankles exposed.
There was another anouncement of "TROJAN MAN!" as Paris climbed atop the walls of Troy. He then fired an arrow that struck Achilles in the heel...killing him...nobody is quite sure how a shot to the ankle can kill a man, but presumably, it was poison...I guess...
"Ha ha!" taunted Paris. "You should not have been caught up in the heat of the moment and forgotten to wear your protection!"
...there was general snickers from behind the wall...
"Oh, do shut up..." said Paris...but the laughter continued unabated...
"I mean it, now...I'm PRINCE!" declared Paris.
"Right, gov'na, and next you'll just be the Artist..." came a laughing voice.
"Who said that?!" said Paris as he went down the wall and back into the city.

So, Achilles was borne off the field. Oddyseus commented that Achilles had made himself look like a certain part of a horses flank...when the idea hit him...a horse!

So, Oddyseus and the gang got together some lumber...not sure from where...as all of the local trees had been felled to make siege towers and engines of war like trebuchets and what not...but anyway...they got some mysterious lumber and built a big horse. The people of Troy obviously didn't think much of this...people built large wooden animals around their city all the time...besides, Paris was still facing an onslaught of giggles over his inadvertent inuendo.

So they pushed the horse, complete with West Coast Choppers bumper sticker and Orange County Choppers decals on the rear window, to the gate passing a group of knights who were pushing a wooden rabbit towards same said gate and then left the trap in it's place.

The Trojans, having a fondness for giant wooden animals, pulled in the great trap, which was labelled, by my request, as "TRAP!" as they could not read English, I thought it would be a nice touch of irony.

As midnight drew on, and most of the people of Troy had gone to bed...the trap was sprung! Out of the horse sprang Christopher Columbus, Vasco de Gama, John Cabot, Ponce de Leone, and various other old world explorers who, thanks to my Chrono-Vortex, had been planted within the horse...and they were all wearing West Coast Chopper t-shirts courtesy of the local mall. As each left the horse, they began planting flags and claiming wherever they stepped for their native land. Cries of "I CLAIM THIS LAND IN THE NAME OF SPAIN!" and "I CLAIM THIS LAND IN THE NAME OF PORTUGAL!" and "FOR THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND I CLAIM THIS LAND FOR THE CROWN!" For, as we all know, the most dangerous group of people were the explorers, who claimed everything they stepped on and a few things they couldn't quite get to.

"What do we do, Paris?" asked one confused Trojan.
"I don't know. First we'll need to negotiate treaties with each of these explorers and their native lands to gain back enough ground to counter attack, then we'll..."
...but it was too late, Columbus had already taken the confused soldier captive and began forcing him to mine gold to take back to Europe.
"I wasn't expecting THIS!" said Paris.
"NOBODY EXPECTS SPANISH COLONIZATION!" shouted one of three explorers clad in red. "OUR CHIEF WEAPON IS SURPRISE...SURPRISE AND..." but he didn't have a chance to continue for Paris fled like a little whiny sissy outside the walls of Troy.

Behind him...Illium burned...the occasional soldier fled but was often shot in the back by a European explorer who then shouted in explanation, "CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE TRYING TO CIVILIZE YOU!"

Paris then fell before Agamemnon and sued for mercy. It turns out that, ironically enough, Helen wasn't even in Troy...it was the next city down the coast that had kidnapped her. The Spartans groaned...all these years now they had laid siege to the WRONG city...

Paris looked back over his shoulder at the burning remains of Troy and heard the death screams of his soldiers and the cries of "WE'VE COME TO HELP YOU!" BANG! BANG! BANG! He then wept and looked at Agamemnon.
"Ooops..." said Agamemnon.
"Is that all you can say?" asked Paris between sobs.
"Er...my bad." said Agamemnon.

...I got bored...decided I was hungry, and time-warped back to modern day to procure some Twisters and mashed potatoes...

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