Evil Doug's Existential Journal

Fellowship of the Bling...
THE LONG EXPECTED PARLEY:

For years, Mittens, the cyborg dolphin/kitten had been fighting the evil forces the squid/lizard people of the deep, deep ocean. One day, it happened that Mittens came across a peculiar engagement ring lying on the ocean floor. Upon placing it on his finger, he could hear music from the band Journey, which was pretty darn cool, you know...even cooler than Men at Work. But, his joy did not last for he was immediately set upon by a slimy lizard/squid creature called Simon from American Idol. Simon threw scathing criticism towards Mittens, but, as Mittens was listening to Journey, the supposedly witty remarks of the foul Simon went unheeded. Mittens then swam away with Simon shouting, "Thief! Thief! Mittens! We hates it forever! You need voice lessons!"

Years passed while Mittens listened to his nifty Journey ring, which was quite bright and shiny, thus giving him a Bling bling factor of 24 on a scale of 10. Then one day, Darius Rucker and Gerardo, the co-leaders of the evil squid/lizard empire, showed up on Mittens' island. "I am Darius Rucker!" said Darius. "And I am Gerardo," said Gerardo...just then a group of back up dancers began moving about sensually behind Gerardo. "We have come to warn you of the dangers of the ring you possess. Let us put our differences aside and have a parley," said Darius. He then allowed Gerardo to tell the tale.

SHADOW DANCING OF THE PAST
Gerardo explained that in ages past, there was a King of Pop who would rule over all the music industry. However, he could not compete with the likes of Devo, Aha!, and Dexys Midnight Runner. So, this King of Pop crafted a magic ring that looked like an engagement ring to crush all bands in his path and impose upon them the horrible curse of "one hit wonder-dom." Hence the inscription, "One hit to rule them all, one hit to find them. One hit to bring them all and to Behind the Music bind them." Later, the great band Journey arrived and layeth the smacketh down upon the King of Pop. "This is the One Bling, cut from the jeweled glove hand of the King of Pop himself! He is seeking it...all his thought is bent on it. He has rebuilt his fortress in a Tower Records store on 53rd Street. But know this, another hunts the Bling...his name is Lance Bass. He intended this ring to be the bridal token for Britney Spears, but Justin found her first and Lance missed his chance. He is now a twisted and evil thing. He has set up housekeeping in the Tower Records store on 5th Street."
"Then what shall we do?" asked Mittens. "We must make for the stronghold of Riven: The Sequel to Myst. Can you transform into kitten mode, Mittens?" "Yes, I can. But will that leave you two behind, as I am quite swift." "We, too, can transform, Mittens," said Darius who then changed into an owl. "I am Hootie, the great owl!" Gerardo then transformed into an attractive man in his late thirties. "I am Grieco Suave!" he declared..."It's like Richard Grieco with wings...only...sexxxxierrrr..."

THE COUCIL OF L. RON
So they set out for Riven: The Sequel to Myst and met up with a fellow calling himself Elvis. They were then pursued by riders clad in black. Elvis told them that they were the Express Riders...once tag team champions, now "Sweet Stan" and "Beautiful Bobby" of the Midnight Express and Ricky Morten and Robert Gibson of the Rock and Roll Express now serve the King of Pop.
Luckily, they made it to Riven: The Sequel to Myst where they met John Travolta dressed as that alien guy from Battlefield Earth. "Welcome to the Council of L. Ron Hubbard..." he declared and began reading some Dianetics in a random fashion, but nobody seemed particularly interested. "You must take this ring to the pawn shop of doom!" he said in an ominous voice. "You cannot destroy it!" said Ricky Martin, famed star of the Latin Music explosion of the mid nineties that consisted of he, Enrique Iglesius, and Santana...well, that's not fair, Santana had been around for a while...the HUGE Latin pop explosion that consisted of Enrique Iglesius, Ricky Martin and...well, that was really all... "You cannot wield it! It answers to the King of Pop!" "What would a mere old geezer know of this!?" "This is no mere geezer!" said professional wrestler "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. "Whoo! He is the KING! Whoooo! He's a jet plane flyin', limosine ridin' son of a gun! Whoo!" "This is Presley's Heir?" "And heir to the throne of Rock! Whoo! So whether you like it, or you don't like it...learn to LOVE IT! 'Cause it's the BEST THING GOIN' TODAY! WHOO!" "Rock has no king...Rock needs no king." Gerardo then chimed in, "We cannot use it. Let us give it to the Pawn Shop of Doom where nothing that is put in hock can ever be retrieved." "Yeah," said Travolta. "But you will need a posse. Take these people with you: Gerardo, Mittens, Elvis, Darius, Ricky, Ric Flair, "Hot Stuff" Eddie Gilbert, "The Hands of Stone" Ron Garvin, and Molly Ringwald."
"Sure," said Gerardo.
They had gone not far when Ric Flair said, "Why don't we cut through Charlotte, WHOO! It's the home town of the NATURE BOY!" "Eh, why not, it'll shave off that treacherous mountain peak."
So, they went into the dangerous mines of Charlotte. But alas, the mines were deserted, all except for Styx. The ancient band came after our heroes pursuing them through the mines. But then, even Styx fled in fear for they heard a frightening sound in the deeps...techno beat and light drums..."I'm too sexy for my love...too sexy for my love love's going to leave me..." "What new devilry is this?" "A Right Said Fred...a sexy beast from the ancient world of the 1990's. This is a foe too sexy for you...RUN!" They fled across the bridge with the Right Said Fred in pursuit. But Gerardo turned into Grieco Suave and held the bridge. "You cannot pass!" he shouted, his backup dancers forming an unbreakable line behind him. "I am a model and you know what I need as I take my little turn on the Bridge of Kazad dum...the Bridge of Kazad dum..." as he was singing, Captain Sheridan went falling past...Then Gerardo lunged forward and grabbed Right Said Fred by his mesh t-shirt and threw him into the abyss...but Fred grabbed Gerardo's bandana and pulled him into the abyss with him. Abyss abyss abyss... "NO!" shouted Mittens. Then they all fled the mines. Molly was crying at their loss. "Get them up, baby, we gotta get movin'." said Elvis. "Give them a moment..." said Darius motioning toward Molly..."Let her cry..." "By nightfall, these hills will be swarming with Styx!" "Alright," said Darius..."but if the sun comes up tomorrow, then let her be." "Agreed."

THE FADING INTO OBSCURITY OF THE FELLOWSHIP
They then went to Lorien...who was an alien who was talking to Captain Sheridan whom they saw falling earlier. He warned them that betrayal was in the air, but they didn't listen.
Later, Ricky Martin tried to take the ring from Mittens. Mittens eluded him and escaped, taking "Hot Stuff" Eddie Gilbert with him in their bid to sell the ring. Ricky was attacked by Styx sent from Tower Records on 5th Street by Lance Bass who wanted to reclaim the ring, and Ricky was slain. "You must help my genre!" said Ricky to Elvis. "You must not let Latin pop die! You must help Enrique and Santana...and...oh, crap...Latin pop IS dead!" "I don't know what strength there is in my blood, baby, but Latin pop will not fade away in obscurity like Crystal Pepsi, nor will it be ridiculed to obscurity like British Knights brand footwear." "British Knights...I remember those..." then Ricky died. "They will look for him in New York City...in a funky cheap hotel...but he will not come..." They then threw him in a boat and shoved it over the waterfall. "He woulda wanted it this way, man," said Elvis." "Actually, he was afraid of water. Always afraid of drowning or falling off a waterfall or..." just then, a shark came up and mangled the body... "...well, isn't that a coincidence, he was afraid of that too..." finished Molly.

"C'mon, baby!" said Elvis. "Let's go hunt some Styx!"

...to be continued in the epic chapter THE TWO "TOWERS"
...and then concluded in the final chapter THE 68 COMEBACK SPECIAL

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