Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Evil Doug's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, July 14th, 2009
8:19 am	Don't Call Me 'Ninja' Don't call me 'ninja.' I'm a covert assassination facilitator. With my masters in covert assassination, I take offense at presumptions of mere ninjatude. I not only own the night, I sublet various aspects of the night to lesser 'ninjas' on a budget. So, DON'T call me ninja! Two reasons: It is rude. And... you didn't even hear me come in... did you? (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 11th, 2009
10:59 pm	″Chinese have a lot of hells.″ And they are all coming to Blu-Ray!!!! Big Trouble in Little China!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, hey, New Line...Lucas...not even sweatin' your hold outs...one of the all-time greatest works of cinema EVER is hittin' August 4th!!! ″Evil Doug, are you saying this film is on par with Rings or Star Wars?″ Can't compare a multi-part epic with this less than 2 hr masterpiece. But, as far as coolness, quotability, fun, and heck, just rent/netflix the dang thing and see for yourself!!!!! ″Hey, what does that say?″ ″(Reads Chinese and translates) Hell of Boiling Oil.″ ″You're KIDDING!?″ ″Yeah, I am. It says 'Keep Out.'″ Awesome!!!!! I am SO there!!!! (Comment on this)
9:31 am	Eponym Tonight's Episode: Eponym in Love: Part the Third Previously on Eponym... Beaut-ane: "I'm in the kitchen cooking some Spam," Eponym: "Darwin H. Scientist Beaut-ane!" Eponym: "I need to know the whole story arc to discuss it with Typhan-E." Beaut-ane: "If you think that will impress her, Eponym, go right ahead." Colonel Brandon: "Life could do nothing for her, beyond giving time for a better preparation for death; and that was given." Scott Adams in The Dilbert Futures: "It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women." And now...tonight's installment... "Come in, yo," said Great Uncle Westside in his distinct British drawl. Eponym entered and, as usual, was overawed at the size of Westside's television. It was, for lack of a better word, hu-crap-your-pants-mongous. Westside was relaxing on his couch watching something on Blu-Ray. "What's-a matter for you, huh?" "What's a matter for me? I tell-a you! All my sheep and cattle, they're-a dead!" "All dead?" "What, you no hear me? Dead! And my sons, too! Only one servant returns to tell-a me the news." "Then you should-a curse God and die, huh!" "What? No, silly woman! I won't-a do that!" "What is this?" "It's called 'The Italian Job.' "Huh." "What's that smell?" "Spam and colby jack sandwiches. Beaut-ane made me take some with me." "Can I have one?" "Sure, here you go..." And they broke out the sandwiches and had some Coke Zero. "Well, anyway, I've come to seek your advice." Westside turns off the TV and gives his whole attention to Eponym. "So, making a play for Typhan-E, huh dog?" "Yeah. You're so suave, how do I impress a lady?" Westside pulls out his 9 mm and shoots a hole in the wall. "That's how, son. You use guns. Shorty can't resist a man with a gun." "I don't want to shoot her, for Global Warming's sake!" Westside slapped Eponym fiercely. "Where's your manners! Remember what is said in the Kyoto Protocol, 'I am the Climate thy Change. Do not take my name in vain!" "I'm sorry...I've drifted away from the Way." "Yeah, I know. Your parents would be so sad. You probably haven't atoned for your sins in ages, either." "No, I...I haven't purchased carbon offsets in months." "Is that how you show gratitude for science setting you free from the ties of religion? Aren't you glad to be free from all the guilt that comes with 'organized religion?'" "Yes, yes I am. I'm sorry Global Warming. I must atone for all I have done that is destroying the planet..." "Dang straight, dog. Now, back to the matter at hand...I'm tellin' ya. Use guns. Women love guns." "But..." "Now, I'm not saying to actually WOUND her...just, you know, fire a warning shot or two...get her attention." "And...that WORKS?" "Yeah, see these pictures," and Westside produced his wallet and a long folder of pictures. Some wearing eyepatches...some with bandages. "Did you...erm, actually SHOOT some of these women?" "Well, of course not. Well, not intentionally. We would go out and start shooting at stuff. Either they got hit by my rounds or a ricochet of their own." "Never thought women would love guns...I'll have to remember that." "See that you do, izzle." "Well, I'm going to go right over to the mall tonight and talk to her." "You best be packin'. Or, as we used to say in the old country, 'strapped.'" "You used to say 'strapped' in England?" "For real, izzle izzle." "Huh. I've often wondered, Uncle Westside. How did you get your name." "Family, dog. We all got strange names. My Uncle was named Mesothelioma." "That's...a strange name. It'd be ironic if he actually had mesothelioma..." "No, it ain't funny. He's dead." "I'm...sorry Westside." "But it wasn't mesothelioma. It was mercury poisoning." "Dang. Ingested?" "Yeah. Ate CFL bulbs." "But...the level of mercury is so small...he'd have to eat, like, I don't know, a hundred at one sitting to even..." Westside glared at him, letting him know this path of discussion was off limits. "Sorry..." "Well, get outta here and go see that girl, diggety!" And so, Eponym left for the mall...and destiny... TO BE CONTINUED... Westside's Rap Spam and Colby Jack, dog, It's the food of the gods, dog! Don't be messing with my sandwich dog! Or I go upside yo head with my Glock. Seriously! Don't touch my &^%$# sandwich! Spam-o-shnizzle! (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 9th, 2009
7:16 am	Eponym Tonight's Episode: Eponym in Love: Part the Second Previously, on Eponym... Eponym in a mall: "I don't have much luck with the ladies." Typhan-E at a counter: "My name is Typhan-E." Eponym at S'recneps: "Hi." Typhan-E to 3u$+@c3: "He was just leaving." Mr. Darcy to Eponym: "My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever." Edward Cullen musing: "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb." And now...back to Eponym: "Beaut-ane?" called Eponym as he entered her apartment, leaving the door open. "I'm in the kitchen cooking some Spam...I'll be right there. Have a seat." "Spam?" "Well, yeah, fried with colby jack...why?" "No reason," responded Eponym absently as he looked at Beaut-ane's laptop sitting on the coffee table. He began reading what Beaut-ane had been typing... "...a knock at the door. I opened it and saw none other than the President. He looked at me with a sly upturn of his mouth that was almost a roguish smile. Stepping in, he took off his fireman's hat and stood before me with his hands on his hips. 'I'm here to go over my stimulus plan with you...in great detail...'" "Darwin H. Scientist, Beaut-ane!" shouted Eponym in shock. Beaut-ane entered and saw what Eponym was reading and blushed. "Is this the kind of thing you put on your blog?" he asked incredulously. "No, no. That's actually an article I'm writing for the Times. It's about health care reform." "Health care reform?" asks Eponym scanning the document. "'Change me, oh change my BRAINS out!'?" "Yes," said Beaut-ane, scrolling the file down, "see?" "'I can't relax now. There are too many uninsured for me to ever know peace, my pet.' Oh, I see," said Eponym. "Well, not as steamy as some letters to the editor I've read. Thought this was something you were going to post on the internet or something." "Nah, I post my president/vice president slash fiction on my blog." "Hmph," said Eponym with a hint of jealousy. "He's not good enough for the president." "Come on now, Ep. You know you're not good enough for his sweet, sweet man-love, either." Eponym sighed. "Oh, by the way, the reason I came over was to borrow some books." "Really. You don't read much. Is this to impress Typhan-E?" "Yeah, I want to try to understand her. To impress her." "So, what do you need to borrow?" "I need to read up on the 'Vampires Make Me So Very Very Horny' saga." "Well, you've seen the first movie...and the second one is coming out this fall..." "Yes, yes, but I need to know the whole story arc so I can discuss it with Typhan-E." "Here you go," said Beaut-ane handing him the stack of four books. Eponym opens one and reads, "I knew three things: One, he was a vampire. Two, he probably wanted to kill me. Three, that is SO totally hot!" Beaut-ane swooned at romantic and flowery prose. "And women actually GO for this kinda sick crap?" Beaut-ane snapped out of her swoon. "Crap? Hey, the only thing that even comes CLOSE to Vampires are Werewolves." "Like in the new Unterglobe movie?" "Ooooh, yeah..." "So, do women just love deadly monsters?" "Kinda. But only vampires and werewolves. The other kinds, like bog men or lizard people, are just creepy." At that, a mummy, which was standing at the slightly ajar door holding flowers looked down dejectedly and muttered, "Damn," and walked away. "Well, I've gotta go. Need to brush up my dark, brooding, vampire loving side," said Eponym. "If you think that will impress her, go right ahead, Eponym." "So I shall. So I shall..." TO BE CONTINUED... Westside's Rap Vampires, yeeyah... Vampires, yeeyah... Drinking blood is hot, yeeyah... So very hot, yeeyah... Wait...what the *&^%$ am I saying? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
12:58 pm	Tonight's Episode: Eponym in Love It started out as a routine trip to the mall. Eponym, Great Uncle Westside, and Beaut-ane had all squeezed, with a great deal of effort, into the green Ugly Bubble and drove to the local shopping mall. It was not an impressive retail outlet, yet, for some reason, people, especially the young, loved to gather there. Some thought it was to see and be seen, tacky though that be. But, in truth, it was all a coordinated effort to get in Eponym's way and annoy him. For you see, Eponym HATED crowds, yet wanted the ability to purchase strange and various doo-dads that only specialized mall shops could provide. And everyone at the mall was in on an elaborate plan to make Eponym's life a living hell. So, as usual, the mall was crowded. He pulled into a space, too small for even an Ugly Bubble (again, the conspiracy against him went so far as to make parking a nuisance). As a result, he opened his door and dinged the black SUV that was parked next to him. "Crap! Well, you guys go on in, I'll try to scrub this and see if the green paint will come off or if it's really a scratch." After they went ahead, Eponym began buffing the spot on the side fo the SUV with his shirt. Just then, a young woman walked by. "So...shining your SUV, eh?" she smiled prettily. "Erm...actually..." But, before he could answer, another woman, and then another appeared. "You know...there's just something so...inexpressibly sexy about men who drive SUV's..." said one woman, and the rest echoed the sentiment. "Hey, I saw him first!" shouted the first woman...and things looked to be getting out of control when Eponym shouted. "Ladies...this isn't my SUV...I drive a Toyota!" At that, the women stopped clamouring for Eponym's affections and looked on him with pity. "You poor, dear, little man," said one woman with soulcrushing sorrow. "Well..." Eponym tried to justify himself, "it IS a hybrid." At that, their pity and sorrow turned to scorn and derision. "HAHAHAHAHA! A HYBRID!!! HAHAHAHAHA!" Eponym left the women to continue their laughing. Encouraging to him, at least, three of them laughed so hard they died of brain embolisms...frustratingly, though, they kept laughing, though dead. Upon entering the mall, he caught up to Westside and Beaut-ane. "We saw the whole thing, Ep," said Beaut-ane sympathetically. "Yup, diggety. You suck," said Westside. "Well, I never have much luck with the ladies anyway," said Eponym dejectedly. "Probably because of your politicaly leanings," suggested Westside. "What? What does how I vote have to do with anything." "Well," said Beaut-ane wincing, "You did vote for Reagan that one time.." "Yeah...so?" "Well," said Westside picking up a newspaper whose headline read, "The Accursed Ronald Reagan STILL Rampaging through Time Square" with a shot of Reagan stomping a city cab. "Dang...and I thought he was dead by now..." "That's what Fox News WANTED you to think..." At the mention of Fox News, they all spat. So, realizing that Eponym better get his crap together if he ever wants to meet a woman, they then got back to the business of shopping. Westside needed to stop in at S'recneps, a freakish, and almost satanic looking shop that specialized in pornographic greeting cards and neon signs. He was looking for action figures from the new horror movie "The Bloody Guts Monster 7." While he searched that out, Beaut-ane perused the naughty and disturbing lava lamps displays near the back. Eponym, himself, busied himself by trying not to look directly at anything in the store, because it made him feel...slightly dirty. "See anything you like?" inquired the girl behind the counter. She had so many piercings that her face was totally obscured by metal. All that could be discerned was that she was wearing black lipstick. As Eponym turned to address her, he accidentally turned over a 'brain in a jar' lamp, shattering it and sending water and brains all over the young lady. She quickly began removing rings and studs while wiping her face...what Eponym saw when she was done...startled him.] Standing before him, was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen before in his entire existence. Summoning all his suave demeanor, Eponym said..."Hi." "Hey...um...don't worry about that...we put the brain lamps in a precarious place, anyway." Seizing his moment, Eponym ventured forth a mighty, "Yeah." "I don't think I've seen you in here before..." Again, employing his wealth of charm, Eponym said coyly, "Oh." "My name's Tiffany." said the angelic beauty before him. "Really..." said Eponym, startled out of his stupor to think that someone who worked S'recneps would have a cheerleader name like Tiffany...until he saw her name tag...which read Typhan-E. "Yeah, it's a family name. I spell my name different from my mom. She uses three 'e's and an umlaut." "Oh. Well, I am Eponym." "Of course you are," said Typhan-E smiling. "No, seriously, that's my name." "Ah," said Typhan-E as she blushed with embarassment. "Hey, it's a normal reaction. My dad's name was weird, too." "Oh, yes?" "Yeah...he was called John." They both shuddered. "I hope you don't think this forward...but...I must say that you are the most beautiful woman I have EVER seen," blurted out Eponym. Typhan-E frowned, "You think I'm PRETTY do you?" "Well...erm...yes? Is...is that...bad?" "People are ALL alike...focusing on appearance...this isn't the real me! Life is all dark and despair and evil and...stuff!" shouted Typhan-E, her voice shattering the display case, which was already weakened by the weight of her numerous nose rings, tongue rings, eye rings, cheek rings, mandible rings, etc. "At least my BOYFRIEND appreciates me the way I REALLY am!" "But...how is saying you're pretty not..." But at that, a skinny young man, decked out in black and wearing even more facial jewelry than Typhan-E entered the shop. "Hey, Typh," said the bizarre man in a bizarre monotonous tone. "Isn't today truly sad and depressing and, oh MY GOSH, I want to kill myself!!!???" "It sure is Eustace." Eponym was taken aback by this name as well, until he saw this young man's name tag which read 3u$+@c3. "I believe you were just leaving..." said Typhan-E to Eponym. "Yeah..." said Eponym, again, in his suave way. He waited outside the store for Beaut-ane and Westside. When they came out, Westside with a complete set of Bloody Guts Monster 7 figures and a bag full of fake dog crap and Beaut-ane with a neon lamp shaped like a human kidney, they looked on their friend in sympathy. "Well...better to have loved and lost, eh?" began Beaut-ane. "Oh, I have not lost..." said Eponym. "I am just BEGINNING to...erm..." "Win?" "Yes! Win! And win her I shall!" "For real. Shnizzle. Let's go to the foodcourt, first, though, dog. I wants me some kidney pie." And, whether it was inspired by Westside's English background or Beaut-ane's new lamp, they all wanted kidney pie. So they went to "Dang Fine Kidney Piez" in the foodcourt and dined. But, Eponym's thoughts kept returning to Typhan-E... TO BE CONTINUED... Westside's Rap Pretty girl! Whatcha doin' workin' here! Pretty girl! Whatcha problem? It ain't clear! Pretty girl! Why you scar yo' self like that? Pretty girl! Well, at least you don't work at Gap... I mean...seriously... Or Old Navy... Gah... Fo' Real! (Comment on this)
Monday, July 6th, 2009
8:08 am	Ode to My Overarching Disdain for the TGI Friday's Salad Bar Your mushrooms are dry and your Jell-O tastes like crap. Back in the day, we would not put up with your crap. You got real lucky this time. Now cut out that crap! (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 5th, 2009
5:22 pm	Evil Doug Challenges Your Way of Thinking Saw a post about how people criticize Americans for being 'clueless about the rest of the world.' I'm curious how much the rest of the world knows about the rest of the world. If I asked the 'average' British citizen what they thought about the interaction between the peoples of northern and southern Sudan, would they be able to provide a coherent response? I could. Sure, people will say, "Yeah, we know so much about American history, but they don't know the history of our own country of Backwoodsylvania." This was impressed upon me by the game Metal Gear Solid 2: The Sons of Liberty...made in Japan. And yet, they knew American history better than me on some things. So, yeah, the rest of the world knows America. But, is it fair to be upset if we don't really give a crap about the rest of the world? I mean, seriously...you see one nation engaged in ethnic cleansing/threatening to make nukes/promising to destroy Israel, you've pretty much seen'em all. In fact, you can pretty much put most countries into those three categories...add in, "dying slowly under a failed socialist system" and you've got the whole of the planet...with the exceptions of Japan (which has it's crap together) China (because, that civilization has been around forever) and the US (which will fall into category 4 soon enough). So, yeah, we DO know about the rest of the world...we just don't care. And soccer is boring, too. I could just as easily criticize people who haven't taken the time to learn about the video games I like. "You don't know what Hyrule is? You don't know the names of Solid Snake's two brothers? Stupid American!" Now, not being aware of world history as a whole and the major events thereof is unpardonable...especially if your country is doing something incredibly stupid that has been proven stupid repeatedly throughout the annals of human experience. THEN, well...you ARE an idiot! Another thing that I find interesting and is accepted as fact...Christians are hypocrites. This one is hilarious to me because of two inescapable truths...1) People are jerks and 2) Christians are people. You know what...people who are Christians have killed people. And, crazy as it sounds, people who have no connection with any church...have killed people. Christians are called to be accountable and, through the transforming power of faith, SHOULD behave better than non-believers. But, they are human...and screw up. The interesting thing is how 'failure' to live up to an ideal equates with 'hypocrisy.' By this logic, people who did poorly on their SAT are hypocrites...unless, of course, their goal was to do poorly. For, you see, they strive to get in that 1500 range...and don't quite measure up. Buncha hypocrites! Cracks me up. I could go on about this, but, in short...yeah, it cracks me up. Just some things that I find interesting. We just accept things as reality without really stepping back and saying, "Hey, that's true of EVERYONE, not just one group..." (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
7:57 am	Holy Cow... Going through old stuff I wrote in the long ago. Some amusing...some, not so much so. Need to update my website, which I also just skimmed. Man...memories. Most on the old site is from high school...whoa. I still consider Counterclockwise one of my personal masterpieces. No reason, but it still amuses me over a decade later. Considered expanding it from its original two sentences into a novella, but it would lose its zip. The very definition of 'surprise ending.' Sweet nostalgia. Good times. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 27th, 2009
11:18 pm	One WILD Year of Cinema... Couple of gems I have neglected to mention... Alice in Wonderland...as envisioned by Tim Burton. His Charlie/Chocolate was a good remake(except the tedious dentist subplot and overlong ending). Should be another interesting...erm...remake. Sigh...remember when Burton did original creepy stuff? Like Tim Burton's The Corpse Bride...not to be confused with Frank Capra's The Corpse Bride. When did it become vogue to put the director name as part of the film? Pretentious...a bit? Speaking of directors...Quentin Tarantino finally makes a movie with Nazis...told ya, its ALL Nazis and Nixon these days. Inglourious Basterds. A little sad it didn't do a hybrid name like Valkyll Bill...but, buck wild Nazi killing action...zoinks! So, all that is missing is this years Nixon flicks. Where are they, fellows? And where are the overhyped mumblecore flicks this year...hrmm....maybe a low budget slasher flick in the woods...with Nixon filling in for Jason...kaching!!! (Comment on this)
4:04 pm	The NEXT Burger Trend First came the angus trend, thanks to Hardees. Now everyone has an angus somewhere on their menu. Then came ″sliders,″ those little micro-burgers that are, likewise, everywhere since Applebees made them popular. But Evil Doug is on the cuting edge of burger design. Presenting: The Porntabulous Mushroom Melt. A third pound of beef, mushrooms, cheddar jack, chipotle sauce, three strips of bacon and, the showstopper, hickory smoked porn. Now, some fast food joints may put porn on their burgers to make you THINK it is the same as the Porntabulous Mushroom Melt, but don't be fooled. They use pre-packaged porn, usually printed off the internet using budget printers and cheap paper. But the Porntabulous Mushroom Melt uses made from scratch porn, photographed in 35mm, developed fresh every morning, and hickory smoked to perfection! There's only ONE Porntabulous Mushroom Melt. Arouse your tastebuds today! (Comment on this)
7:47 am	More great film ideas... Sherlock Holmes. But, dig it, it'd be a reinvention of the character as a sort of carousing, buck wild, ladies man that gets into fights and jumps out of windows and throws hammers and stuff. It would star Robert Downey Jr as Holmes and have Jude Law as Watson. And Watson could say things like, "Holmes, does your depravity know no bounds?" and stuff. That'd be an action packed thrill ride! Don't think so? Well, go look up the trailer...it's coming out this year... Or a more kid friendly movie from Pixar. Maybe a sequel to Toy Story. Remember how 2 focused on how the toys would eventually be worthless and end up in a landfill (unless they were in a museum, you know, like Stinky Pete wanted) and the toys were all okay with that? You know, as long as Andy needs us, that sort of thing? WELL, what if we do a THIRD Toy Story movie in which the premise starts out with Andy NOT NEEDING THE TOYS ANYMORE! Yeah, and he can like, go off to college and dump the toys off at a day care or something because he doesn't need them anymore. Kids would LOVE that...not to mention young ones, who might identify abandonment issues with day care and start crying when their parents leave them at day care. Now THAT would ROCK! Don't think so? Look it up...the teaser is out...and YES that is the premise the movie starts out with... Bring it home, Evil Doug! You've got a FRIIIIIIEEEEEEND IN ME!!!! They no longer love us... So at day care they dump us... Yeah...you've got a friiiiiiend...in me. Well, at least the mom and babies don't get eaten by a big scary fish like the start out of Nemo...dude... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 24th, 2009
4:28 pm	Evil Doug says ″Stick it to Big Burgers″ With the costs of good cheeseburgers skyrocketing (the McD double cheese jumping 19 percent overnight), it is time for the government step in to regulate! A good cheeseburger is a guaranteed constitutional right, listed right under abortion and free/low-cost health care. It isn't fair that some people can't afford a good burger. In fact, a Brewtus Burger at Applebee's costs 9 bucks!!! That's un-American! The people in the food industry should be ashamed. With managers and even waiters/waitresses making as much as 2 dollars over minimum wage...it is a scandal. Sure, they justify their exhorbitant prices by saying things like ″overhead″ or ″ingredients.″ Some even cite ″college loans″ they are trying to repay to excuse their high profits. Greed. Pure greed. Why can't they get by on minimum wage, like hard working high school drop outs? Why should they be rewarded for their time spent in school? Not everyone can afford to finish high school. So only rich kids finish high school and, therefore get jobs as waiters. The government should step in to make burgers affordable/free for everyone. While, yes, there are many ways to approach this problem, I want the government to do it. Because politicians are good/virtuous people, not like those piece of crap waiters. Maybe tax rich high school graduates' burgers (but not the burgers of those in unions, because, you know, unions are victims likethe rest of us). Maybe force cooks/waiters to work one extra day a week unpaid. They can afford it. Have you seen the iPods these people own? I don't even own an iPod! High time someone brought these rich people down to my level. Show'em how normal Americans live. And, as everyone knows, extra taxes make people more caring. They'll say, ″I feel bad about making 7.35 an hour. I am crap. I am glad to pay more taxes/give my services for free.″ And they'll realize it was only greed that prompted them to want to pay off their thousands of dollars in loans. Again, there are other ways...but none as good. And, maybe, someday, American cheeseburgers can be as good...or, at least as free, as other countries' burgers. Sure, Big Macs for none, but EVERYONE will have a Krystal...whether they want it or not. And that is all I ask. Fairness. Stick it to Big Burger! More regulation. More taxes, More fairness. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 18th, 2009
1:58 pm	Coming to theatres...we can only hope... The esteemed lordjacob asked of what manner of movies I should like to see made...well, here are some thoughts... 1. Somthing with Seth Rogan. Man, he's just every *&^%$ where! And deservedly so! Seth Rogan rocks! Maybe Seth could combine his coolness with the superhero trend and do something like write/star in something like the Green Hornet! Oh, wait...that's...erm...already in the works. Well, at least it's got Stephen Chow as Kato...that's pretty cool. 2. Another toy from the 80's movie! Not enough of those! With Transformers and GI Joe, let's go whole hog and make a remake of Masters of the Universe!...erm...wait...they're ahead of me on that, too. Crap! Maybe do My Little Pony...or, OH OH! Care Bears! Only make it a comedy...something with Seth Rogan playing a cameo as a stoner bear named "Smokes-a-lot Bear." 3. Maybe a video game movie. Yeah! Perhaps based on the wicked cool Prince of Persia games...Sands of Time was, no joke, an AWESOME game! But, maybe, they could get a western actor to play the Prince. I mean, Sean Connery ROCKED as a mid-easterner in The Wind and the Lion. Sure, maybe somebody like Jake Gyllenhall...yeah...and put Alfred Molina in there, too...oh, wait...they're doing that one, too...crap... Sure people, like myself, who loved the game will be perfectly fine with the casting choices. The only way it could be cooler is if Seth Rogan were a part of it. 4. Okay...one that I know is being made...The Hobbit. BUT, what if they did a SEQUEL to the Hobbit that takes place between the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings? Huh? Now, c'mon, it's not really canon, but I'm SURE it'll be done with respect to the source material...dangit...that one's slated to be made, too. Dadblastit! Well, they haven't cast Bilbo yet...maybe Seth Rogan could do it! 5. Something that would seriously ROCK would be another bio-pic. You know...like Walk the Line or Ray or (insert recently deceased musician's first name and/or familiar lyric). Not enough movies that cast a dark shadow on the life of a well-beloved celebrity. Maybe they could do a film about Seth Rogan! And he could be played by Jimmy Fallon...I mean, Jimmy Fallon is just so funny...he makes me laugh in ways I can't describe. Whew...howdy! If, like, they made a clone out of the DNA of Seth Rogan and Jimmy Fallon, that'd be one funny clone. And though most of civilization would cry out that the abomination be destroyed for the good of mankind, I'd be like, "Naw, man. You're just ticked that Jimmy's doing such a better job on Late Night than Conan did. This clone, shall be the future of comedy!" Then the clone will laugh at itself because it thinks it said something funny, even if it wasn't...and I'll laugh, too. Even...even if nobody else is laughing. 6. A movie about Nixon or Nazis. With the advent of political correctness...there are only two groups of people we can have as villains: Republicans and Nazis. What with Nixon, Frost Nixon, Valkyrie, The Reader, That new one with Viggo Mortenson that looks cool, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, it's all Nazis and Nixon. Sure, films like W. and Recount are trying to close the Bush/Nixon gap, but it's still a runaway victory for Tricky Dick and Der Fuhrer as THE villains in the movies right now. Even in Dick or Watchmen, Nixon still rules as THE menacing/goofy Republican. So, I'm thinking an off-beat buddy cop picture with Hitler as the no-nonsense, by-the-book detective and Nixon as the fresh-out-of-the-academy rookie who tends to be a loose canon. But, like all Nazi/Nixon movies, it'll make a statement. A bold statement you won't hear anywhere else. Something profound like, "The Nazis were bad!" or "Nixon was bad!" I'm thinking Academy Award here, people! 7. Monsturd 2. C'mon...you KNOW you want to see a sequel! 8. Pet Semetary 3. Darnit...people KEEP gettin' buried in that haunted burial mound and STILL keep coming back to life and killin' folk. Huh. Who knew. 9. Kickin' it With Custer: The good Colonel gets his own kids movie spin off after Night at the Museum 2...I can't tell you how fun it was for my kids to get a Custer on a Motorcycle Happy Meal toy. Try explaining to a 5 year old who Custer is/was. "Erm...He was an officer in the military..." Thankfully, the little card that came with it made mention of Little Big Horn. Good times... 10. A fun/action packed CGI Star Wars movie...for the "whole family." Yeah...that's gold right there... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
6:25 am	Fame...still living forever... You can't make this stuff up... Saw that they're doing a remake of Footloose...and was thinking...hey, there's a blog post...maybe a spoof remake of Fame... Nah, can't do that. It's real. Saw a behind the scenes/trailer on latest Netflix... "It's going to be off the hook." Yes, because, if the original, Academy Award winning film was anything, it was most certainly, 'off the hook.' Let's, erm, look at recent/upcoming films. Anything new under the sun? Transformers 2...a sequel to a remake. GI Joe (excited, even though they'll most likely screw it up) Day the Earth Stood Still (now, anyone, please, why the CRAP was this necessary?) The Incredible Hulk (a remake of a film less than a decade old...good flick, but...seriously) Fame Footloose Then all the recent horror remakes of the past decade (House on Haunted Hill (again, WHY?!) Texas Chainsaw massacre, Willard (okay, why? for a whole other slew of reasons...) Red Dragon (Manhunter remake) Then, stretch it back about 5 years... War of the Worlds Charlie and the Chocolate Factory There are a ton of remakes coming out, I just can't remember them all. Each time I see a trailer, I'm like, "No, they DIDN'T!" and laugh...but then I forget. Go do a search for upcoming releases or in production. You'll laugh, too. Let's see...in 2010, we've got... Robocop Poltergeist Red Dawn (now, how the heck they gonna do a film where the Soviet Union invades the heartland in 2010?) Monster Squad Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (what...AGAIN?) ...and the one that'll probably tick me off the most... Red Sonja!!!! (the heck?!?!) I'm holding out for a Howard the Duck remake. C'mon, Lucas! (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 13th, 2009
11:11 pm	i-Carumba New from Apple- The next logical step from i-Phone: i-Carumba! i-Carumba is the new, everything you need AND don't need in a phone phone! Like the old i-Phone, the i-Carumba has all the superfluous features you've come to expect from Apple, like mp3, GPS, 3G, TTS, PTT, and ZOMGBBQ. But i-Carumba is much MUCH more! The i-Carumba adds the functionality of a built in barometer to let you know ifyou are standing in the rain. Improved brighter screen that will drive not just a few people, but EVERYONE in the whole &?@×#% theatre batcrap crazy wanting to kill you. The song ″Rockstar″ preloaded as a ringtone, so you don't have to download the bootleg avi format version, because, ″&%#*, why pay i-tunes when I can get it free from limewire″and convert it to mp3. And, rest assured, Vista comptibility has been addressed. Now, instead of the myriad reasons your pc gives for not working with i-Tunes or i-Phone, a simple dialogue box appears in which Bill Gates says to the end user, ″Yo, %*&# you!″ In addition, the following features have been added: -New touch screen -Old touch screen -Touchless screen -Don't pick at it, you'll just make it worse screen -Sunscreen -Tweezers -Needle-nose pliers -Contraceptive foam -Minesweeper...I mean, who needs other features when you have minesweeper... -Hemheroid treatment (witch-hazel pads preloaed, upgrade to soothing cream via app store download) -Snood...remember Snood? -Kitchensink 2.4 -A better mousetrap -A crappy mousetrap -The board game Mousetrap -Vaguely erotic images of 16th century German diplomat Maus von Trapp. -Actual corpse of 16th century German diplomat Maus von Trapp...in a thong. -A Sham-wow. And MUCH more! Get yours today...and the next iteration tomorrow! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 12th, 2009
7:11 am	I was just noting a friend who was celebrating her 2000th post on lj...and her purposes for posting and what not...and I was thinking about my own reasons for using lj... 1. Practice to hone my writing skills (for one of the many books I have started...and must finish) 2. Get crazy crap outta my system. 3. Make people go, "what the HECK is he talking about...I'm mildly offended...I think..." Eponym is workin' on number one (need to do some more Evil Doug Adventures soon...hmm) But, 2 and 3...going hand in hand, but haven't done much in those areas. Partly saving some of the better stuff for my Lilburn and Fozdic adventures stories (about a lawnkeeper and his butler who solve x-files-like mysteries on a college campus...like a brain-eating supermodel with a titanium skeleton and a NASA scientist that farts temporal rifts). So, some ideas I'm keeping...and partly some of the weirdest ideas are taken...like cartoon syphilis sores. You can't make this stuff up...thanks W-S transit bus! I shall try to be less like a lot of lj, and posting my musings of various things, because, really, that's not my point. I'm not here to go on about what I like/dislike. Although, you will get me geek moments...(Star Trek: TOS on Blu-Ray ROCKS! The Menagerie...oh, man...deep...) I'm here to be bizarre. So, yeah, focus, Evil Doug. Less commentary, more wiggy. (Comment on this)
6:24 am	Eponym Tonight's Episode: Geocaching With Uncle Westside Our curtain opens as Eponym and his Great Uncle Westside prepare to go out into the country to go geocaching. Having spent the better part of the day debating which coordinates to venture to (as Westside refused to go to any coordinates whose numbers did not contain, somewhere in the sequence, the numbers '187'), they were now about to embark on the road trip to the local park. "Let's take my car, yo!" suggests Westside in his usual, emphatic drawl. "But, the Ugly Bubble gets better gas mileage..." protested Eponym. "Yeah...but it's name says it all, dog. It looks like a Prius got together with a Yaris and they had an ugly baby...then that baby crapped...and they put wheels on the crap and called it a bubble. Diggety." "Okay, we'll take your Chevy Babel..." relented Eponym. Fortunately for Eponym, a repo crew came at that very moment and made off with the massive SUV. "Hey! I paid for that!" shouted Westside. "Sorry. Part of the restructuring. We're going retroactively taking back cars we've sold in order to help pay into our pension plans. Union rules..." responded the man as he drove away in the apropriately named Babel. "And I just put a new Dyson Sphere in to power the stereo, yo." So, after much head shaking and warnings from Eponym not to pursue the matter because Congress was now in league with the Unions. It would be safer not to cross one of the most corrupt, amoral, and decidedly perverse bodies on the planet lest one should like being tortured and killed. The Unions are pretty bad, too. They climbed into the Ugly Bubble and set out to geocache. Westside navigated by frequently checking the GPS while Eponym drove. "Why DO they call the Babel that anyway?" "Because the very existence of an SUV that massive is an afront to the gods. For real, izzle izzle." "Seriously? Is that why it's called that?" "Yeah, here, listen..." said Westside as he turned on the radio and strolled through the stations... A husky female voice: "The NEW Chevy Babel...it's an afront to the GODS!" "Dang..." gasped Eponym. "Glad they're restructuring. "Me, too. Just as well that the Babel got reposessed. I'm planning on buying one of their new, bigger SUV's that's coming out after the bankruptcy and bailout." "Oh, yeah?" "Yep. The GMC Blasphemy." "Oooookay, then..." Arriving at the park, the begin heading towards the cache. They locate it buried under a sign in the corner of the park. Upon digging it up, they find gold. Lots and lots of gold. "Crap! Where's the mashed pennies or the log book? Where's the coordinates to the NEXT cache!? This is highly disappointing!" exclaimed Westside, with a flurry of izzles strategically placed throughout. "Well, this takes all the fun out of geocaching," bemoaned Eponym. "What's the point of finding treasure if it's something you actually can use." They then spot a couple of other people geocaching at another point in the park and decide to see what these people found. "Meh, just an old sheet of loose leaf paper with some crayon scribbles and the words "I was born in Hawaii" scrawled on it," replied the man. "And there are little hearts drawn for dots over the 'i's...what's up with that?" "HEY!" shouted Westside, "That's Obama's birth certificate!" "Huh," muttered the man, "Oh, yeah. It has his name right here." "Looks like an official document to me," said Eponym. "And I heard it was a fake." "Take THAT Fox News!" chimed in Uncle Westside. "Yes, take that, indeed, Fox News!" said the other two men, and all four of them spat on the ground. As Eponym and Westside returned to the Bubble, Eponym inquired where they should go for lunch. "We could scavenge the trash cans here, or go to Steak and Shake," suggested Westside. "See, now that's just nasty," laughed Eponym. "What? Scavenging the trash cans...or eating at Steak and Shake?" "Yes," grinned Eponym. "Well, at least neither is Shoney's, word." Eponym vomited and agreed. Uncle Westside's Rap: Went geocaching 'cause that's the fashion diggin' in the local park! Found nothin' but trouble headin' back to the Bubble without an ounce of 'treasure,' not even a quark. What did others unearth? A certificate of birth showin' Obama, man, surely ain't no fraud! The truth is much shorter according to one reporter the President true be "sort of God." Ev'body say "sort of God!" (SORT OF GOD!) Whee dingle, sha na ba da! (SORT OF GOD!) Whee dingle, sha na ba da! (Comment on this)
Monday, June 1st, 2009
8:33 am	You have GOT to be kidding me... According to owner, our new neighbor is very VERY particular about people getting in his yard. So, I was very careful when mowing to be sure not to throw grass his way and I mowed right up to the survey flags. A'ight. Get back from church yesterday, he is mowing. He deliberately left a 3 inch swath right at the survey stakes that flares out to a one foot width as it runs back away from the stakes. Honestly. I don't mind mowing an extra foot. But, how mature is that to leave a strip right between two recently mowed lawns like that? Making a statement, are we? Combine that with ignoring me every time I say ″Good afternoon″ and I'm like, dang. At least he isn't noisy. So, guess I'll mow over this week and hope relations remain in the realm of mild comedic rudeness. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 31st, 2009
4:49 pm	Paper or plastic, Archduke? Also saw sign at Whole Foods... PLEASE PLACE BLACK HAND BASKETS HERE As 'handbaskets' is one word (unlike those mentioned here), I come to the conclusion that these baskets are somehow connected to the Black Hand, which was linked to the assassination of Franz Ferdinand of Austria (which sparked WWI). Okay...well, *I* laughed when I saw the sign. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
8:36 am	Eco-friendly Saw eco-friendly baby wipes at Whole Foods yesterday. Made from bamboo. Thank goodness. Get away from those nasty, synthetic wipes made from...erm...cotton. Yeah, cotton, YOU SUCK!!! Unless, you know, I missed out on the lead based, ozone-depleting wipes craze somewhere. (1 Comment |Comment on this)