Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Evil Doug's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, November 7th, 2009
3:30 pm	Yo Joe...hold on...NO! The Good News: Paramount, at least according to a number of internet sites, has said, "Ya, we're looking at doing a follow up to Rise of Cobra." SHINY!!! AWESOME! Eccleston rocked as Destro! Levitt was okay as Commander, if they give him the right mask next time... The Bad: The cast is contractually obligated to return...yay Eccleston...erm...no...wait...that means Channing Tatum will be coming back. Honestly, the low key, deadpan acting form the bulk of the heroes, from Breaker to Heavy Duty to Scarlett and the vanilla acting of Baroness and Storm Shadow...okay, yeah, they were not too good, but, they emoted. Their faces changed expression. When playing the video game based on the movie, I noted to my wife, "Hey, the poorly rendered character of Duke does a better job of acting than did Channing Tatum." To which we laugh and agree. Yeah, he just kinda read his lines...What the heck were they thinking. And...he's contractually obligated to reprise this role. Crap. Well, Brendan Fraser had a cameo in RoC as Sgt. Stone...maybe he'll be back and change him to Flint...that'd be cool. The more I reflect on Rise of Cobra, the more I like Marlon Wayans portrayal. He added flavor to the film. He was fun...granted, he wasn't Ripcord...maybe he should've been cast as Shipwreck, but, then the whole pilot thing would've fallen flat. And Hawk worked. Quaid tore that one up...he would have been a good Duke, for that matter. As for who *I* would cast in a Joe film...well, I'm at a loss. The only perfect fit would be Ray Park as Snake Eyes, which they did and he nailed. But, I can make a pretty short list of who NOT to cast in these roles...and I see them listed in this film's credits on IMDB. Oh, Stephen Chow as Quick Kick...now THAT would be perfect casting. Tiny Lister (aka Zeus) as Roadblock because it would be so fun/incongruous having him rhyming his sentences...AWESOME Roadblock. Or Cool J...he rhymes anyway. Matt Keeslar as Duke, maybe? Anyway...here's hoping the sequel has more satisfying *BOOM!* than did the first fizzle. And HISS Tanks...I want some HISS Tanks...and I wanna DRIVE a HISS Tank in the next video game tie in, ya hear me EA? Cobra mission (singular? Why just one?) was okay, but I want to DRIVE a HISS not just blow them up! Oh, and in NO WAY related to this, just saw Star Wars Battlefront: Elite Squadron for Nintendo DS at Toys R Us! WOOHOO! But...no online play...just four player local...CRAP! EPIC FAIL!!! EPIC EPIC *EEEEEPIIIIIIC* FAIL!!!!! Shame on you! ALSO, in no way related to this, look out guys, the Ultimate Edition of Watchmen hits store shelves Tuesday. Hrrmmm. (Comment on this)
12:30 am	″Do not explain gravity to your father.″ Know how if you leave out refrigerated condiments like mustard...the air inside warms, expands, then spurts out corresponding condiment when you open it? That...that is my only defense... We were having fish sticks. Right. And, to get the last of the ketchup out, we inverted the bottle on the table. Son asks for more ketchup, I oblige...and it keeps coming out, and I try to close it but that would only cut into the now flowing stream of ketchup making another mess. So, I try squeezing the sides to suck it in to stop the flow...no go. Ketchup continues to flow like spice under the responsible eye of House Atreides. Finally just close the cap, splat. My wife rightly asks what I expected...as I DID continue to hold the bottle upside down AND open. My son, brilliant boy who can add and subtract two digit numbers and write in cursive at age 6, decides to helpfully enlighten me as to what I missed. ″It is called gravity, Daddy. Gravity is the force that pulls everything towards the Earth.″ In vexation and despair of my attempts to explain away my mess, I can only respond by coining a new family phrase that has already been used multiple times... ″Do not explain gravity to your father.″ (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 5th, 2009
6:03 pm	Evil Doug Tells You What To Like Been a while since last installment, so lots to impart... 1. Wasa crisp bread: Insanely good stuff, especially with Sabra classic hummus. 2. Peanut Butter and Ranch: 'cause, you know, I ran out of salsa the other day and figured, why not try something new. AWESOMENESS!!! 3. Sham-Wow: It is more than just Sham-″Wow!″...more like Sham-″HOLY CRAP!″ Lifesaver if you have kids...or improperly connected washing machine. 4. Crocs: Don't think I have mentioned before. Was of the mindset that they were goofy...and, ya, they are. But, about a year and a half ago...tried a pair. Comfy. Sooooooo comfy. Just can't find purple anywhere around here. 5. Member's Mark All Natural Tortilla Chips: Science has succeeded in making healthier food that isn't crap. These are up there with Harvest Cheddar Sunchips...high praise. 6. Star Wars Missile Defense Innitiative: The threat of George Lucas making another crappy prequel/cgi animated movie keeping the world from getting nuke-happy. See also Mutually Assured Indiana Jones Sequel. (Comment on this)
7:25 am	Tech stuff and stuff... First, a big I HATE YOU to facebook, yo... Many of my internet activities, I can accomplish via my DS. It boots up and is running and online in seconds. Literally, less than half minute from powering on and I'm already on LJ Mobile. I can even AIM with my DS. Supposedly, there WAS a facebook mobile that worked with DS...but, doesn't work anymore. And anyone ever try loading full on facebook on a mobile device? "Not with 10,000 men could you do this. It is folly." Sooo, I turn to my PS3. A little longer to boot, but with keyboard in hand, I can type faster than my stylus would allow and do my YouTubin'. Good times...but...erm...facebook refuses to load. The heck? So I have to boot up my 6 year old laptop (from a cold start, lookin' at 10 minutes on a good day)So, yeah, don't update/check facebook much. Spent the morning after getting back from the gym while everyone asleep trying to sort out if my wireless network is good to go or not to figure out if recent dropped games on PSN are us or the server...glad the whole Mbps/MBps thing isn't confusing...1=1.25 my eye!...and YES wireless-N is fast...faster than your internet connection, apparently, so...other than range...what really is the point? Speedtest.net tells me that my PS3 (with wireless-G) is clockin' around 5.02Mbps where as my laptop (wireless-N) is at 4.33Mbps...again...THE HECK?! So, the 135.0Mbps transfer rate I'm lookin' at in my lower corner wi-fi thingy here is moot. Yay! And, yes, I know, more tech savvy folk will chime in, "ROFLCOPTER! I coulda told ya THAT, n00b!" So, yeah, anywho...so that this isn't one of those usual "my boring personal life" kinda LJ posts I try to avoid...here's a couple of funny (to me) You Tube videos for old school toon fans. The Rude Awakening of Optimus Prime Folk who were ticked with where the series went after the movie will appreciate this. "Stay here and guard the base." Cobra Commander's Turkey Dinner Features the most SPOT ON Cobra Commander and Destro voices I've ever heard! Zartan and the rest suck, though. "Of course the Transformer won, he's a *&^%$%$@ robot." (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
9:00 pm	What is The Middleman (EDIT: Here is a link from an earlier post to where one may watch Middleman online MIDDLEMAN!) I keep forgetting that people can't see inside my head when I am referencing something cool...so things like O2STK, ART CRAWL, and !!!! are foreign to you. So, here in a nutshell is The Middleman. It tells the story of Wendy Watson, an artist who does temp work to pay the bills. One day, at a job at a DNA research facility, she is attacked by a genetics experement gone wrong. She is ultimately saved by a man with gadgets and guns who later offers her a more steady job...fighting evil. She accepts. Together, they fight said evil. That sums up, but in no way does justice to, The Middleman. Based on the Viper comic of the same name, this is a geeky show with a clean livin' hero, his artsy/sarcastic sidekick, an ill-tempered android (″Don't get smart with me missy, I'll split your lip.″) and bad guys...and aliens...and succubi...and vampires...and trout eating zombies...and luchadores...you know, good times. Like trying to explain why Firefly is cool, Middleman is the same, hard to classify show. Snappy dialogue with oblique references to everything from Ghostbusters to Dr. Who. Great characters like Noser, the spoken word 'musician' in the hall that greets with lyrics. And the swearing-free exclamations, ″Flowers for Algernon!″ An acquired taste, but you won't be sorry once you hit ″Flying Fish Zombification″ where Art Crawl and !!!! make their debut. It is available online, but without necessary subtitles to appreciate dialogue...but then the dvd release lacks as well...curse you ABC FAM! Now, go see!!! (Comment on this)
7:38 am	Best Cancelled Shows? I love TV and movies. Don't know if my small readership has noticed this or not, so I enjoy a good "best of list" (ESPECIALLY the Cinemassacre lists you can find on Youtube). Thing is, I often wonder what the criteria are for some of these lists. Found this one list titled "Best Cancelled TV Shows." Thought, 'Heck, see if my personal faves (Middleman, Tick, Firefly) made the cut. Well, of course Firefly did, but The Big Green Cheese and the Blue Bug of Justice were not to be found. What startled me were not shows like Pushing Daisies or My So Called Life, but shows that, in all fairness, had a good run, like Boston Legal. The one that TOTALLY blew my mind was Gilmore Girls...which ran for SEVEN seasons. Don't get me wrong, Gilmore was one of my all time FAVORITE shows...not so much for the title characters, but because of the hilariously off kilter supporting cast. "What was that all about?" "I think Kirk wants you to go upstairs and have sex with him." In fact, you could almost extricate Lorelai and Rory from the equation in the later seasons and actually IMPROVE the show. Which brings me to one of my many rambling points of this post. Ever see a show that, though you love, you wish they would have put a bullet into sooner rather than later? Again, loved Gilmore...but, seriously, after about season 4 and a half, they shoulda wrapped it up. I mean, you can't top, "Would you just stand STILL!" But, they kept the story lines going beyond where they should and...well, Lorelai and Rory became more and more grating as characters because the plot requried them to be so. Sigh. X-Files kinda went the same route after season 7..."Okay, Fox is gone...so we'll get rid of Scully, bring in two new agents...and...no, FOX IS BACK!" And Lost...really, after the first couple of seasons...or Heroes...jumpin' the shark... So, anywho, anybody out there know any good, one season wonders I myself have not seen? I mean, I found out about Firefly from my LJ Friends list. What else might I be introduced to? My personal Top 3, as stated before being Middleman, Firefly, Tick (live action). Honorable mention to Lone Gunmen and a nod to My So Called Life, which I thoroughly enjoyed in its perpetual rerun status on MTV "back in the day." (Could fill a whole other post with thoughts on short-lived MTV programming...like The Maxx (ROCK!!! a mini-series, so not realy cancelled), Downtown or "STATION ZERO! YAYAY!") (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 2nd, 2009
9:58 am	Third Time Pays for All I like that variation of ″third time's the charm″ and the ″pay″ aspect is more apropos... See, GM is coming back to the government for a third bailout. This one, supposedly, is to shore up GMAC (their financial/lending arm)...well...*cough*and assist with daily operating costs*cough*. And, heck, it is only 2.8 billion...well, 2.8 to 5.6...but, what's a few billion among taxpayers? You, know, the slogan they adopted after the ″restructuring″ (aka giving government and unions big chunks of the company) has been ″May the best car win.″ Yeah...know what...may wanna rethink that ad campaign. A better marketting strategy would be to point out that, through government bailouts, our money, as taxayers, is going to go to GM anyway, so why not buy a GM vehicle and actually get a car out of the deal. ″Hi, I'm the president of GM. We are going to get your money anyway, so why not buy one of our new hybrids. Your purchase will delay the next inevitable 'infusion of capital' for a couple of months. And maybe, just maybe if you delay long enough, you could vote out the bulk of congress and put a halt to whatever perverse kick-backs scam is going on with all these bailouts. (Chuckles darkly) Yeah, right. You guys are screwed. Just buy the car.″ At least we aren't hearing anymore stories about bailout companies paying million dollar bonuses...huh? What? Just last week? Well, I am SURE that health reform will all be above board and financially responsible...what was that? Lobbies heavily involved...900 billion dollars, tax hikes, and billions in medicare cuts? As I say every time I pass a store/company that has gone out of business, which is often, ″Hey, that's not change *I* can believe in.″ Still waiting for that tax cut 95% of us are supposed to see. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 1st, 2009
8:02 am	Snow White:Supreme Edition Being no stranger to re-releasing classics in a newer, restored fashion, Disney has decided to perform a high definition restoration and release of Snow White on Blu-Ray. In addition to the new 1080p transfer and 7.1 surround sound theatre mix, Disney is digitally changing one character from the film. Most people can name six dwarves from the film. Everyone knows Doc, Dopey, etc. However, the one everyone neglects is the imminently forgetable seventh dwarf, Benjamin Disraeli. This is understandable as he mostly stands in the background and has only two lines of dialogue in the entire film ("Damn you Gladstone!" and "BOOYAH!"). This is why, using new digial technology, Disney will be replacing Disraeli with an all new, hopefully more marketable, dwarf. After a number of focus groups analyzing recent children's films, Disney executives have decided upon what children enjoy. So, on the holiday release of Snow White, Bashful, Grumpy, et al shall be joined by none other than...Farty. Voiced by Oscar and BAFTA Award winning actor, Sir Seth Rogan, Farty looks to capture the imaginations of children everywhere. "His constant flatulance shall provide for plenty of humourous subplots throughout the film thanks to new added scenes," said one Disney marketing director. "Farty is the synergistic blending of old school animation and the hip, new child-friendly Zeitgeist of bodily-function-centric humour." The marketing blitz has begun in earnest with merchandise already appearing on shelves and at online retailers. T-shirts bearing the visage of Farty (sporting a demure, yet coy expression) and his signature phrase, "Oh dear, my trousers appear to be damp," are huge sellers both in stores and online. Some purists plan to boycot the release citing the changing of the ending, in which a thunderous toot from Farty causes an avalanche that kills the wicked queen. However, many are joyous that Disney is returning to its roots with a new, traditionally animated character rather than continuing its rather embarassing attempted emulation of Pixar's genuinely successful digitally animated cartoons. "Sure, the new digital cartoons LOOK nice, but they are so lame. I mean, what are they? Dreamworks?" says one fan. Reviews are generally positive at this point: "An edge of your seat thrill-ride." "A blast!" "Action jam-packed from start to finish." "Smart. Sexy. Seductive." "An edge of your sex-ride pack-blasted jamductive thriller!" "Like a summer blockbuster in theatres...only on home video...and in the winter...and it doesn't have Meagan Fox." Only two critics were negative in their thoughts on the film: "Snow White will never be as good as Bolt or Meet the Robinsons, no matter how hard Disney tries." and "Where the hell is Meagan Fox? Screw this, I'm watching Transformers in slow motion again." With such positive feedback, it's obvious Disney has a winner on its hands again. Pre-order your copy today! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 31st, 2009
9:00 pm	Trunk or Treat Last year, we had candy left over... This year, we exhausted our four boxes (120 bars) of Hershey/Mars full size variety bars in about half an hour. Our back up Reese's pumpkins went and we started giving away the bags of animal crackers we had for younger kids/kids with allergies...when that was gone, we started in on emergency reserve glow sticks...then the pastor made the rounds to replenish trunks...providence that because we were tapped. EVERYONE was running out. Turns out another church cancelled their trunk or treat at the last minute so we had an additional couple of neighborhoods show up. Wow...the people. My usual thoughts...some trunks too scary...some costumes inappropriate, I mean, really, a homeless costume complete with 'will work for food' sign, in this economy...SO bad form. But, as community outreach, a success methinks... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 30th, 2009
6:57 am	Evil Doug can't make this stuff up... The 80's are hot now. What with one band and another getting play because of Guitar Hero and Rock Band. And sequels are REALLY big right now...so... ...only makes sense... Phantom: Love Never Dies Yes, THAT Phantom. 'Kay, so where do you go from there...I mean, I felt "It's over now the music of the night..." pretty much ended things pretty succinctly. But, according to, well, 'many,' it seems the ending was enigmaitc and BEGGED for a sequel. So, how do you follow up Phantom? Where will he go? What will he do? Well, "I'm going to Disneyland" would be anachronistic, but...he could go to...Coney Island. YES! Brilliant! Let's relocate the character to New York! According to Webber, this will be a wholly new musical with only a couple of brief musical moments relating to the previous musical, which is cool, because, if anything, the music is what REALLY dragged down the last production. And, as such, should be considered a standalone work so that you don't have to have seen the original. Good thing. The bulk of musical fans are, more like than not, unfamiliar with Webber's 'other' Phantom musical and it would be unfair to confuse them by continuing the plot set forth in the original. Dunno...I should give it a fair shot. I mean, a sequel to Phantom of the Opera...where he is now...the Phantom...of Coney Island, might, you know, rock. "The bridge is crossed now stand and watch it burn!" (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 28th, 2009
7:56 am	I can't argue with that... Yesterday, I was trying to instruct the children on how if we pick up our toys, we won't lose things. Case in point, John's 3D dinosaur puzzle. I found and reassembled the missing pieces and showed the completed puzzle to our son. "John," I say giving him the dino. "MY DINOSAUR! You FIXED IT!" "Yes, I did. And do you know HOW I was able to fix it?" "Yes, daddy, I know...I KNOW..." he says in an almost exasperated tone, "your SKILLS. You've got such great skills." While I did explain that the answer I was going for was "By picking up toys," I found it hard to argue with his overarching premise. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 26th, 2009
6:42 pm	Public Option... In a brilliant move to calm fears among those who don't trust health reform that includes a government run ″public option,″ congress members are trying out new catchphrases like ″consumer option″ and ″competitor option″ to refer to the federally funded/controlled system. A shiny new name to convey the right message to the masses. At a press conference today, senators unveiled the new name of the ″public option″ titled ″sexy chocolate iPod kitten.″ This stroke of genius tries to combine words that people are comfortable with to gin up the needed support among the American people. During Q&A following the new name unveiling, an actual kitten in a tube top and heels with earbuds coming out of its rectal orifice was brought onto stage. As the audience began to ooh and ahh, the speaker picked up the feline and bit off its head. As chocolate spurted from the yawning cavity of the kitten's neck, a collective ″AHA!″ erupted from the audience as they finally understood how great the ″public option″ really is. As one spectator explains: ″Something about the name 'public option' had me unduly worried. But as that kitty's milk chocolate blood erupted from its broken body like some sort of hellish fondue geyser, it dawned on me that I have nothing to fear. The govenment always has our best interests at heart.″ If this name change fails, sources reveal the next bill shall be dubbed the ″low-carb buy one get one free porn″ option. (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 25th, 2009
4:32 pm	Spontaneous Soda Combustion Here, as promised in the long ago, is a pic of the sign we saw on our vacation...I think I may make this into a profile icon. (And, yes, I'm not that obtuse, I know what the sign MEANT...but the wording is, to me, hilarious!) (Comment on this)
Friday, October 23rd, 2009
7:21 am	Matt...Hazard...is...BACK BABY!!! Just learned that there is, in fact, a sequel, of sorts, to Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard in the works. Okay...okay...it...erm, it isn't a full on sequel. It's an X-Box Live/Playstation Network downloadable...erm...sidescroller. So, yeah, still hoping they do a full, disc based sequel with the same fun gameplay and all...but, that aside, heck, I'm jazzed. I even enjoyed the flash game sidescroller they put out. Hazard is, to me, on of the COOLEST video game heroes EVER...no no...this deserves to be better than EVER...no, he is one of the coolest EVAH! Matt Hazard: Blood Bath and Beyond (soak in that title) is a side scrolling shooter where, apparently, Matt travels to the past to stop his long time nemesis General Neutronov from...I...am not sure what... I'm buying this bad boy DAY ONE to show support and hope that D3 gets it together and puts together a full sequel to this underated...well, actually, for the most part, critically despised, classic! I have played this thing through like four or five times...it doesn't get old. If anyone from D3 is reading this...no reason to think this...but, heck, with google, who knows, don't listen to the haters! Matt is one of the freshest IP's to come around in a very long time! Bring us the SEQUEL! And...include the multiplayer this time. Yeah, Uncharted 2 has sweet multiplayer...but, it's just not the same as a Hazard multiplayer would be. Oh, and if there is a real, full on sequel, no more of that Bedlam Basher or Observe the Grenade obscenely difficult to obtain trophy crap...all that stands in my way...after HOURS of trying...to my platinum. So, yeah...coming soon... IT'S HAZARD TIME!!!! (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 22nd, 2009
7:03 am	Not feeling my age necessarily... Was posting a comment about eyeglasses completely unrelated to the post's topic (life is like ADD...I like turtles...) and mentioned bad luck with tinted lenses for my bifocals 20 some odd years ago. Why glasses? Dude, do you realize how uncomfortable contacts were 25 years ago? Tempus Fugit... ″Dang, Evil Doug, how old ARE you?″ Not as old as I feel, though probably older than you suspect. Where has the time gone... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 21st, 2009
6:47 am	Some Me Time After a long day of firmly planting the right boot of justice squarely up the collective rectum of the forces of badness, the day comes to a close and I just need some me time. So, I draw up a nice bubble bath in the master suite here at the Evil Doug Estate and relax as the soft flicker of candles and the aroma of jasmine and lavender dispel the horrors I have witnessed throughout the day on my one-man campaign against vampires and re-animated pets. As I luxuriate in the suds listening to the calming tones of Enya, I hear, somewhere, the slow, soft moan of the word, "...braaaains..." As I have heard Amarantine countless times, I know the lyrics do not contain this word. I slowly, grudgingly slip down into the foamy water..."Oh, for crying out...glub glub glub" as I breathe out one last tense breath before going to see what is going on. Sure enough, the basement is jam packed, wall-to-wall, with zombies. Dang ZOMBIE! I walk over to my Airwick Zombie-repelling plug-in and, sure enough, it's all out of oil. CRAP! Much like ladybugs, zombies can slip in through the tiniest gap in a window, so you have to keep the repellant going or, well, this. Only one thing to do... So, I go to the garage, get the chainsaw, and set to work. Dark, jellied blood and undead innards sail through the air as the horde of living corpses try to shamble to the window to attempt escape. Some, for reasons I have yet to understand, mutter "Buzz buzz" as they walk, repeatedly, into the window. One even knocks over my 8th Annual Bowling for Juvenile Diabetes participation trophy, which, I'm sorry, is just uncalled for even if you are a zombie trying to flee dismemberment at the hands of the great and powerful Evil Doug! So, I actually hold off on killing...erm...re-killing that bloke until last, when I shove him in the fireplace and, quite literally, light his sorry self up. So, I trudge back upstairs, my fluffy terrycloth robe now drenched in zombie guts and my blood soaked Winnie the Pooh bath slippers sticking to the floor making a sucking sound with each step. My son steps out of his room. Apparently the chainsaw woke him. "Daddy? What was that sound?" "That was the chainsaw, son." "Were you cutting up dead limbs again?" he inquires, remembering last week's clearing of brush off the estate. "Yes, son," I smile, "That's exactly what I was doing." (Comment on this)
Monday, October 19th, 2009
7:01 am	Year In Review Being the on cutting edge of information/morally questionable humor/entertainment means Evil Doug must strive to bring you what other blogs do not. With that in mind, I now bring you the Year in Review a full two months before most blogs realize the years is over...two months, in fact, before the year really IS over. So, here are some of the headlines that made this year memorable. - Mel Gibson, who caused a stir with anti-Semitic comments made during a DUI, and his father, mostly known for denying the Holocaust, began a media blitz to help restore their fallen reputations. Beginning this past summer, the Gibsons began researching nuclear technology. Mel has confirmed to numerous sources that the father/son duo have been enriching uranium for some time but that their intentions for this technology are entirely 'peaceful' and this has nothing to do with driving the hated Jew into the sea. Upon this declaration, the whole of the United States media, as well as the United Nations, uttered a unified, "Awwww, that's sooooo sweet!" - In related news, the price of tea in the People's Republic of China rose 3 cents over the past six months. In retaliation to this atrocity, the United Nations promptly issued a report condemning Israel and recommending charges of war crimes against the nation. - In what many are calling a strong step by the administration in the war on terror, NASA successfully launched a pre-emptive strike against the moon this past week. President Obama noted in a follow-up speech that, while Afghanistan and Iraq were wars of choice, the war with the moon is one of necessity. In an attempt to silence critics of the moon bombings, NASA press releases claim that the attack was merely part of experiments to find water on the moon. Protesters immediately congregated outside the White House bearing signs reading "No blood for water!" "With a mere 2/3rds of the Earth's surface covered with this stuff," cited NASA officians, "we need to find other, more accessible sources." - In related news, NASA has launched Project Posterior, where using a probe called Both Hands they will try to find...well...never mind... - On February 14, 2009, a span of seven seconds passed without mention of President Obama on cable television. Sources believe this was because of the abundance of 'human interest/Valentine's Day' stories that day that, for some perverse reason, didn't actually have anything to do with the President. The incident caused widespread looting and a rash of suicides across the country. Network and cable executives vowed never to let such a disaster happen again pledging, "Everything we air will be directly about the President or connected to the President in three moves or less!" To date, they haven't let the American people down. - Global Warming proved responsible for raising global temperatures one full degree over the past decade. Penguin populations were reached for comment in their native habitat which has seen temperatures spike from 66 degrees below zero to a sweltering 65 degrees below zero. "GAAAH! THE HEAT!" said one penguin. "I'M IN HELL! I'M IN HEEEEEEELLLLLLLL!!!!" The penguin, a natural swimmer, then drowned in the strange, physics defying, sub-zero melted ice cap. - In a related story that comes as a surprise to no one, polar bears have done nothing to sway people to give a rodent rectum about their plight. As of press time, polar bears STILL suck...I mean, REALLY suck! - Fuel efficient automobiles became increasingly popular over the past year prompting research into smaller, more efficient vehicles. The success of the SMART car, a two passenger vehicle with no storage space, sparked development in many manufacturing companies. Most notable is a breakthrough in a singe to two passenger vehicle known as a motorized bi-passenger internal-combustion kinetic engine, or motor b.i.k.e. for short. This never before seen vehicle can easily get over 50 miles per gallon. This invention, touted by many as a revolution, has changed the focus of debate in green vehicles. - The Digital TV switch occurred...sometime...this year. The government, displaying its usual knack for getting things done on time, changed the date of the 'big switch' leaving many consumers in a lurch and even more confused about when/if their old TV would stop working. The FCC assured customers that with the new converter boxes, partially funded by government vouchers, would ensure that EVERY TV would receive digital programming. While conspiracy theorists claim that the boxes monitor all of person's activities and report them to Washington via the cable connection, the FCC dismissed this claim citing, "There's no way such a small box can observe EVERYTHING a person does. I mean, its range could only be, what, 30 feet?" (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 18th, 2009
12:51 am	Oh my... On a bad movie kick with Netflix currently...so we did the Matt Keeslar (MIDDLEMAN!) version of Jekyll. Now, this was surprisingly better than the Adam Baldwin adaptation (also funny bad) and Keeslar did well with what he was given. AND this wins hands down for best Jekyll/Hyde movie quote EVER... ″&@*$ Freud and the couch he rode in on.″ This beats out the line from Baldwin's Hong Kong Jekyll movie where old guy says, ″I will not teach you to make the herbs for revenge...but if you will learn to make the herbs, then I will teach you to make the herbs.″ And ties, in my mind, for most creative use of the f-bomb in cinema, with the highly amusing Beowulf and Grendel: ″Don't sully my heart with why a &@*$&*& troll does what a &@*$&*& troll does.″ On a less bad movie note...The Machinist. Whoa. Darn good flick...DARN good flick. So, yeah, if you like bad/cheesy movies...see Jekyll. It is not really that BAD...but quite entertaining in a cheesy way... (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 17th, 2009
11:25 am	Starting over... The last time I REALLY tried the weight loss thing: Highest recorded weight 302 - Lowest recorded weight 242. Net loss of 60 lbs. This go around, so far: Highest recorded 275 - Lowest 263.8. Making progress. Been going to the gym for about a month on weekdays at 5 am and doing weights and eliptical. Not overly discouraged by lack of poundage lost, as clothes are fitting looser, which implies that maybe I am regaining some of the muscle lost due to my 5 year hiatus from lifting. And also need to cut back on yummy food...which I haven't really done very well with...'cause, you know, I love food. So, yeah, rather than post regular weigh-ins, just gonna pop in with updates when they seem warranted...don't want to jinx it. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 15th, 2009
8:17 am	Country going broker...more broke? Seems government can't afford cost of living increase for social security next year. Good thing government isn't printing an un-Darwinly amount of money which causes inflation...cause, you know, that'd suck for fixed income folk. Solution: print and spend 13,000,000,000 dollars MORE for a one time $250 payout to seniors. Almost enough to pay for half a month of meds not covered by the current 'public option' Medicare. Yay, them! Anybody ever stop to meditate on how much a billion dollars is...or a trillion? Let us round up, for easy math, and say there are 500,000,000 people in the US. There are not 500 million yet, but with open borders...let us just say 500 million. Okay, so every time the government talks about spending a trillion dollars...count the zeroes...$1,000,000,000,000...think of it this way...every man, woman, infant, coma patient, inmate, homeless person...everyone must shell out two thousand dollars. (Checks wallet) Yeah...bit steep. And more oft than not, it is wasted. Now, I am not talking about the booze and hookers our tax dollars pay for...you know, necessities for doing business in DC...but the fact the booze and hooker contracts go out to poitical cronies as kick-backs. And bail-out money to billion dollar companies...I call THAT waste as these banks and auto makers provide neither hookers nor booze! With all this in mind...Congress is in a race against...well...not sure WHAT the rush is...to spend MORE money with 'health care reform.' I am not going to argue the pros/cons of the current bill. That's congress' job to do that song and dance. Let us, for argument sake, say that it IS perfect and, indeed, the greatest thing since penicilin (so very great), the question is...how ARE we going to pay for it? That big screen in the new Cowboy stadium...it is shiny. 60 yards wide. I want one...but, see, I can't afford it...even if I could fit it in my living room...I cannot afford it. Even if it was perfect, which it is NOT...and ran on solar power...which it does NOT...fact remains...I...can...not...afford...it. Think about this when you hear about all the crap Congress is doing...bail outs...health reform...think about how royally screwed we are by our government...and think about how we have come to expect that from government...and think about how we just accept this crap as a fact of life... Then weep for our children, whose financially crushing tax burden, merely to pay INTEREST on our debt, will prevent them from enjoying the hookers and booze our elected officials take for granted. (Comment on this)